Time after Time

So, its been a few weeks since I posted, mainly because things have been really hard for me. I've been very sick and not so sick.. its kinda of hard to explain, mostly because we have no idea what is wrong.
Anyways, it's been a crazy couple of week, so here is a little taste of the craziness and sweetness of our little kiddos.

 Ben: its hard to tell whether its cold or not, right? haha

 Addison, ready for church

 Peyton, making darn sure that those cheerios make it into the diaper bag for church!

 all tuckered out

 His "wedding dress" (we've been watching a lot of 'Say Yes to the Dress', can you tell?)

 Falling over from the dress

 This is the face he makes when he know he's in trouble or he's embarrassed, its the later here!

 Sometime he puts on his pants... backwards

See? the pockets are in front.. hahaha

Well, there's not much more to update. Its been lonely around here, but my mom is coming in a few weeks to hang out with us!! Here is what we have coming up:

1. Visting Toby this week

2. 4th of July BBQ

3. Utah to pick up my momma, staying a few days to hang out!

4. Ward Campout

5. Visiting my granparents

6. END OF SUMMER SCHOOL!! YES!! we're so excited for this one!

    I hope everyone is having a good summer, we sure are!!

a tug on my heart

As you've probably surmised.. life has been pretty hard for me lately. I've been complaining and whining and just being all around grumpy. No more.

I was at the grocery store the other day with my 3 adorable kids. I had one of those carts that seats twins and has the cute car on the front. (Yes, those carts were made for people like me!!) Anyways, I always get people staring at the girls and commenting on how adorable they are, or how busy I must be.

Then, when we are checking out, the bagger asks questions brought on by the fact that they are so tiny for their age. She asked a question, that honestly, no one else has asked me. She asked if I had to be on bed rest. Yes and No was my answer. I tell her that I was on bedrest at 5 month but they were born about a week later. Her comment changed by perspective on my recent trials:

"You're just lucky to have them."

Yes, just like a warm hug, those words spoke to me. I, we, are lucky to have them. All the trials and hardships they went through, and we are still lucky to have them.

What we went through with them, what they went through was worse, was harder than anything I could be going through now.

I am so grateful for the swift kick in the backside to show me where my mind should be. I shouldn't be complaining, I should be grateful for everything that I do have.

I have a wonderful, amazing, gorgeous husband who loves me like nothing else. I have 3 of the most beautiful children ever. I was born into the best family, and married into another incredible family. Lastly, but most importantly  I have the true gospel of Jesus Christ.


With all these thing, who has time to feel sorry for themselves? Not me.

last one, then some uppers

So I promise that this will be my last "complaining" blog, then I'll post some awesome pictures of my little chickadees!

  So, these past few weeks have been really hard on me. I haven't been feel well at all, but I've had to keep going with on down time, as most mothers know. I'm completely stumped as to what it could be. I know I'm not pregnant, yet I've only felt this way 2 times before. It feel like it could be the flu, but to have these symptoms for 3 weeks straight and only have them intensify? I feel nauseous, weak, light headed, starving, yet I'm not hungry to eat. Its weird. And it been coupled with another unexpected plight: my eyesight!

I've had perfet vision my whole life, yet just recently and abruptly, my eyesight worsened so much that I had trouble seeing anything thats more than 5 feet in front of me. I mean I can see, but its blurry and I can't read words. Until Satruday night it didn't really affect my driving. But man, it got so badm it scared the crap out of me.

I accidentally reserved a redbox in a town 15 minutes away, so I had to run down there and it had just turned dark. I didn't think anything of it until I got onto the highway and all the lights because little fuzzy blobs. Still, It wasn't bad, I could see the lines and move appropriately. Then, I hit construction. My side of the highway had to merge onto the other side, and all of a sudden, these lights coming the other way were in my eyes and I couldn't make out my lines and barely make out the cones telling me where to go. It started to scary me bad, but i couldn't stop because I didn't have anywhere to go. It was one lane traffic both ways, so just one little come kept me from going into the other lane. I tried to keep an eye on the cones, but the light coming at me made them all blur together. I kept fearing the end of the construction because I was sure I would miss the turn back into my side of the highway and collide head on with the other lane. Thankfully, no cars were approaching when that time came, so I could barely make it out, but I did. I was so scared and my fingers were white because I was gripping the wheel so hard. I wouldn't let myself cry because that would just make everything worse. So, i pick up my movies, hoping that somehow I would be able to make it home safely. As soon as I turned out of the parking lot, another truck, pulling a horse trailer pulled out, too. I was able to follow this trailer, literally the whole way home, right up to my exit. It was amazing, it lead me home. I put the car in park and literally broke down. It was so hard just to go get these movies and I was so scared! I love driving and this was so hard to do. I've never had problems like this before.
 So, even though we have no insurance, we're going to get my eyes checked because this is just dangerous. I literally can't see signs where we are coming up on them, only when we are practically past them. I can't even read the blub about my netflix show unless I'm practically 3 feet away.

And it no just slightly blurry, its bad blurry. I can sit in the third row at church and not see the hymn numbers at all. I can't even tell how many numbers are there if they're close together.

So, that's my emotional vomit for the weekend. Life stinks sometime, but I know we'll get through this, somewhat intact, I would assume. Better me that my kids, because I hate listening to crying, lol.

Here's to another week in a not-so-exciting paradise

a very emotional few weeks

Yes, that right. Its been an emotional few weeks. Wanna hear about it? Well, keep reading.

So, a few weeks ago, after Toby cam home from a field trip/ conference, he brought home a bug or sorts. He was sick and the kids were just getting over sick and it turns out it was my turn to get sick. I got a wickedly bad ear infection that kept me up a few nights in a row in terrible pain.

Then, a funny thing happened. I started getting nauseous.  Sometime it was 'i'm gonna throw up' nauseous, other times it was just annoying, smoldering nausea. Sound familiar? Well, it did to me too.

I felt this nausea for a few weeks, and that was part of the reason that we thought I was pregnant. My babies are only 16 month old and it was a very stressful pregnancy, c-section, recovery, etc. Imagine how hard this pregnancy would be for me. This is one of the main reasons that we are not trying to get pregnant right now.

However, it has not stopped me from wanting another baby. Its been hard to tell myself that its not good for me right now and that i could be potentially fatal for me or the baby or both.

Then, when we were almost sure we were pregnant, we talked through everything that we needed to, just in case. We talked about how we would go about moving, beggin a new car, where to put the baby, if it would be a boy or girls, etc.

Imagine my dismay when, after 2 weeks, we found we were not pregnant. It was a very hard thing for me to process because we had everything planned out. It was going to work, I was going to be fine and we'd have another little baby. It was going to be a little boy that Ben could play and wrestle with, of course. Everything had already played out in my mind and I could almost smell the sweet little newborn that I would get to take home after a few days. heartbreaking.

I know we will have more children. Some think we are irresponsible for wanting more after what happened with the girls, but we know that we will have more. Maybe soon, maybe not. Who knows? certain not me. I'm not getting my hopes up anymore because it hurts too much when your dreams are snatched out of your hands.

I'm not upset anymore, just a little sad. All will be well.

I feel like I just gave birth

No, you did not read that wrong. I just finished writing the first draft of my final paper. Yes, my 10 page long paper. I finished with 3,022 words! Edits and stuff with either add or cut material but its D-O-N-E!!! Its taken a lot out of me and I wrote the thing eith pretty much the worst ear infection imaginable! But tonight as I finished it, I didn't have a dingle problem with it! I feel great, well like I just finished giving birth and I can now revel in the fact that its over. IT'S OVER!!! I'm still not up to par with posting about the adventures of the past week, but trust me, after this class is done and the paper is turned in, i'll be back.

Ok, I lied. I have to tell you something:  TOBY TOOK THE GRE! Its the grad school aptitude test! He did really well and I'm so proud of him! Now we get to start applying to grad schools. Here is our list of top 4 in no particular order:
VTech
BYU
Montana Tech
Baylor

There you have it. We are moving on with life. It will be so excited to see how our family adjusts to living outside the Rexburg bubble!