Sunday, September 15, 2013

Liam's Special Day

   Its tradition in our church, when new babies are born, we come before the whole congregation and give the baby a blessing and give him an official welcome into the ward. We do not believe in baptizing babies, so it is mainly a prayer over the baby. Moving on,

    It is our tradition to try and have family and friends at the blessing and living in Utah, we have quite a bit of family around, which was really nice. After the meeting where we bless the baby, we have a big luncheon with everyone who came to support us.

   It is also my tradition to make (or have made) something homemade and special for their blessing. With Ben, it was a blessing blanket. A really good friend of mine, Lisa, actually made the girls their blessing dresses and another friend, Katrina, made their white bows. So, for Liam, I decided to make a small blanket and a bowtie. I didn't make the blanket in time, but I did get to the bow tie, so look for it in the pictures!

    I'm going to start this story last night when I started preparing for the luncheon today. I wanted to make this amazing cake called Italian Love Cake. (link)  I tested it last week to test it and it turned out SO good.  I went to make the cake last night because it needs to cool completely then sit in the fridge for a few hours after frosting. The problem was I couldn't find the cake mix. I tried for almost an hour to find it but no luck. At this point, it was almost midnight and the cake had to bake for an hour. I was so tired already, but I ran out to the store and come back and made it.  I made it in a different pan this week and it didn't turn out visually like I would of liked because it didn't layer the way it was supposed to. So after staying up so late and having it not turn out made me very frustrated. So I decided to make snickerdoodle cookies and since we had so much family coming, I made a double batch and it took me almost 3 hours to make it and bake all the cookies. Then we decided to take the cake anyways (GAH! shoot me now).

  We decided to have shredded BBQ chicken sandwiches and I put the chicken in a crock pot last night and the chicken turned out really well. It was so tasty! Everyone really enjoyed it! But this morning when I was checking it and adjusting the heat, I hear Addison in the other room telling Liam to open his mouth and eat something. I come into the room and she's trying to feed him popcorn kernals. I was NOT happy and she got in lots of trouble and got a lecture for it.

I was kinda nervous that Liam would poop all over his blessing outfit because he hadn't pooped in a few days and he had a small blow out last night so I was very worried that it would happen. Luckily it didn't.

The other thing that stressed me out was the fact that all 4 kids needed to be bathed before church. Plus I needed to shower and get ready, in between all the cookies baking. I was literally running around baking cookies, bathing kids, dressing kids, feeding kids, doing the girls' hair, making sure we had everything for the luncheon and for the blessing.

It was a hard, hectic night and morning and I literally did not stop moving until we were sitting in the church. Oh, and the other thing that stressed me out, was the fact that I tried to feed Liam before the meeting but there was some kind of construction in the back of the bldg. and the mother's room was literally locked. I didn't know what to do, so I sat in the foyer and fed him. it was just a crazy morning or events.


But once the meeting started, Liam was pretty calm until they actually started the blessing. He screamed a few times but other than that, he was pretty calm. It was a beautiful blessing and I am grateful that I married and amazing man who is worthy and able to bless our children. He is such an amazing man.

After the blessing we took some family pictures then headed over my to Uncle's place as our place was much to small to host. We have a fantastic time visiting with family and friends. Here is who came:
Uncle Rob/ Bonnie
Hannah/ John
Jessie/ Paul Evie, Josie

Jennifer, Jule, Jenner Sorenson
Vicki, Ben Matheson, Malcom and Calvin

My cousin chris came to the luncheon afterwards, too. It was a great day and I was able to relax after going for what seemed like 15 straight hours (thats how it feels when I have to wake up at night to feed the babe).

Anyways, thats the crazy, eventful log of our day. We love our family SO SO SO much.

Oh, and the other thing that was awesome, was the my "step"cousin got engaged! Her fiancee is really great, we really like him and are glad he's gonna be part of the family!!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

It's hardest because you're gone.

    This week our little baby M. would've been celebrating his first birthday. Should've been. Its still hard when I think of him. I miss him so badly. It's not as if I dwell on my sad emotions but I can still remember the day he was born as if it was yesterday. Sometimes it feels that way. A song will come on the radio and will remind me and I sit there in the car sobbing. Or I see the outfit we had for him and I tear up. Or I will see the small little box in my closet that holds all the precious things we have of him and the little blankets that he was wrapped in.
    Before, I felt like I wouldn't be happy until I had another baby in my arms. Let me tell you, the whole time I was pregnant, I was worried and nervous that something would go wrong. Even as I was in surgery, I thought something would go wrong. Turns out, my nervousness was for nothing, even if it was understandable. I mean, we did have 2 miscarriages before Liam was born.
    I thought for sure that having another baby would fill the hole in my heart. Not true. I mean, I love Liam with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for anyone or anything. But I still miss M. Miss him so bad. Liam did not replace his place in my heart and I feel stupid for thinking that he could've. They are not the same person and they each hold a special place in my heart.
    This week is especially hard for me, wondering who our little boy would've been. Would he of looked like Ben and the girls or favor my side of the family like his cousin Hannah? Would he of been a happy baby who slept through the night for me, or been colicky and fussy all the time? Would he favor daddy's arms or mine?
    Its the not knowing, the not being able to hold him or know him... yet. I know we will get the chance to know him and I know he is being looked after until we can hold him again, but its the time until then that is killing me.
    Sometimes, its hurts when people ask how many kids I have. I feel like I should say 5 because I feel as if I'm leaving M. out if I don't yet at the same time, I don't want to share that story or to share M with them. But I do have 5.

   Having Liam has definitely filled my arms and a special place in my heart but he could never replace M. He's been such a blessing, especially because he will be our last. We're almost 100% sure on that front. Each pregnancy has had more and more complications and been harder and harder on me. Its gotten progressively more dangerous with the complications I've had. This last time was pretty hairy so its best if we stop while we're ahead. But holding my little Liam and smelling his newborn smell and nursing him and just begin with him makes me wonder if I can resist having another baby. I do get pretty baby hungry. :)

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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Liam Christopher Dossett

Its been over a year since I updated but around the time of my last post was when we found out we were pregnant. So, after 9 loooooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggggggg months,

            Liam Christopher Dossett

was born. There is and was a lot of drama surrounding the whole situation, so in order to tell the birth story, I'll catch you up on a few key details you'll need. 

1. This birth had to be a c-section because with the girls' c-section, they did a horizontal and vertical cut on my uterus (inverted T incision) so the chances of having an abruption (tear) are much higher. The Dr.s told me that we would do the c-section at 39 weeks so I wouldn't go into labor, basically I shouldn't be having contractions.

2. The due date is offcially August 12, making the c-section set for August 5th. 

3. Toby got an internship with Chevron for 3 months in Midland, TX. Those 3 months happened to be the last trimester of this pregnancy. This made it impossible for us to move to TX with him so he was in TX for 3 months and the kids and I stayed here.  He was set to start driving home on the 2nd of August and be home on the 3rd.

4. My mom came out a few weeks before the due date incase there were complications and we needed extra help without Toby being there.

Ok, onto the birth story.

I'd been having painful contractions all night but they were not at all regular. Unfortunately, even though they weren't regular, I still didn't sleep much. So, in the morning, i told my momma and we agreed to get someone to watch the kids and she'd go with me to my NST and OB appts.  At the NST, baby's heart rate was fine but they like to see small accelerations. If there are no accelerations that could mean a possible problem with the placenta. Well, after trying for over a half an hour, and after his heart rate dropped during the contractions, they sent me upstairs to Labor and Delivery. The Drs. said they were 85% sure I was gonna have the baby.

Upstairs, they started monitoring me and I kept having the contractions but his heart rate stabailized and he has accelerations, so they weren't concerned with that. Anyways, we kept trying to get ahold of the Dr. but she was busy with another c section so we couldn't tell if they were just gonna try and stop my contractions or do the c section. Anyways, 2 hours goes by... very slowly because i'm not allowed to eat or drink and I'm dying of thrist and my sugars are getting low and its just making me frustrated.

Then all of a sudden, the nurse comes into the room with an anesthesiologist and announces that they're gonna take the baby in the next hour. HOLY CRAP! I was not prepared for that.  I thought it'd be at least a few hours. but they were concerned with the intensity of the contractions and didn't want to wait.

I was happy to be done being pregnant but even more so, I was frustrated and sad that Toby wasn't going to be able to be there. As soon as he heard that I might be in labor, he got sent home, packed up, checked out of his dorm and started driving home. So, when we got into the delivery room, he was able to be on the phone with us and hear Liam be born.

I was kinda anxious the whole time, getting the epidural and just waiting for it to kick in. I got really worried and nervous and again, frustrated that Toby couldn't be there. They put me on oxygen and when I couldn't stop shivering and shaking, they put some warming "tubes" on me. it was like a warm air filter or something. I felt better after they started and things were looking good and I realized that this c section was not nearly as stressful as the last one.

Liam was born at 1:36p. He weighed 8 lb. 9 oz. and was 19 in. long. I got a glimpse of him as they whisked him out of the room to make sure that he was stabilizing because of my diabetes. They brought him back in for a few minutes so I could see him but I couldn't hold him.

After surgery they wheeled me back to my room which served as my Recovery Room. They made me stay there, being monitored for about an hour during which I didn't get to see Liam or hear about him. Longest hour, ever!

FINALLY, they took me downstairs to the Mother/ Baby unit where I would stay the rest of the time I was in the hospital. The rooms downstairs are SO much smaller than the labor and delivery rooms. Barely enough room to turn around, I swear.

Anywhere, next comes the scary story, so if you don't like reading intense, scary things, then skip this next part.

So, anyways, I was getting settled into my new room and my new nurse, Susie, is checking me and making sure all my vital are stable when she notices that I'm starting to hemmorage. She immediately calls another nurse for assistance and then pretty much chaos erupts in my room. Quite a few other nurses rush into the room and everyone is rushing around scrambling for supplies and for medication. they called my OB, who rushed down from upstairs to run things. They keep checking and rechecking my blood pressure and oxygen levels and making sure I wasn't passing out. But after everything they did and every medication they gave, I still kept hemorrhaging.  Calls and pages were being ignored by my Dr and the nurses because I was losing so much blood. One nurse was specifically in the room to hold my hand and keep me talking. They were really worried I would pass out, even though I never felt like I would. All day, I'd been drifting between exhaustion and being kinda alert. I hadn't slept much the night before so I was really tired and sometimes it was hard to keep my eyes open. During the chaos and rush of my situation, I still was so tired that I would almost fall asleep, making it seem like I was going to lose consciousness.  They kept "rolling" me on my sides so they could change the absorbent pads under me. Sadly, they were changing them almost every 5 minutes. They were also shooting me up with a drug used to stop heavy bleeding. I guess I could only have 4 doses and but they could be given every 15 minutes apart. So after being given each dose, they would start to get nervous because they wanted to give me the next dose but not enough time had passed.  In my tiny little room, there were at least 10 nurses working. It was really frustrating, not being able to do anything and especially for not being able to see my baby. At one point, my mom came to the door, wondering what was going on and they asked if I wanted her to come in, but even being with me in the c-section made her a little sick and traumatized. So I told them not to let to her in. Plus I wanted someone to be with Liam. Finally, after about an hour things finally started getting better. The bleeding slowed and my uterus was staying "firm" (not real sure what that means, but apparently being "soft" is bad.)

Through it all, I kept praying, not only that things would get better, but that I would be able to get better enough to hold my baby again. Its really the only thing that was on my mind. Its interesting though, because all the nurses were surprised that my epidural had not started to wear off yet. iT'd been almost 2 1/2 hours after they pulled the meds and I should of started to be able to feel my toes and move them but I honestly couldn't feel anything below my waist. That turned out to be a HUGE blessing. one time, when they had me rolled on my side and were changing the pads, a thought came to me and it was basically, that the epidural was still working because I would need the pain medication to get through the hemorrhaging. The nurses were all amazed that it was still working but many commented that it was a blessing because I would most certainly be in a lot of pain if I hadn't had it.
    Nurses were talking about the experience for days afterwards. Nurses I didn't even recognize would tell me that I was looking so much better and they were all glad I was doing well.  One even commented to Toby while they were in the nursery with Liam that it was a very scary situation and things got pretty hairy. Crazy. When everything first started going down, I asked if I would need surgery and they said it was a possibility if the bleeding didn't stop. Thanks goodness that it did, I certainly didn't want a hysterectomy, even though that probably is the very last resort.

Anyways, things got better after that. Liam was able to come and I was able to hold him and nurse him. he took to nursing like he's been doing it for months. We had absolutely no trouble getting latched and getting him to eat. He was a champ for sure. And an excellent snuggler. He loved being held and rarely cried. Although, he did hate having his diaper changed. He screams blood murder every time his diaper comes off.

Ok, now Toby didn't make it back in time for the delivery but he was driving straight through from Texas. He stopped once to take about a 2 hour nap but I didn't want to call and ask if he was on his way again because I didn't want to wake him. The next morning, about 7 or 8 ish, he walks in the door! It was a very nice sweet surprise! I hadn't seen him in a month and the first time I do, he gets to meet his son!

We had a neighbor watch the kids and our best friend, Hannah, was able to take off work and come down and stay the night with the kids so that my mom could stay the night with me in the hospital. Its a good thing she did because they wouldn't remove my catheter so i couldn't just get up and change him or get up at all, even if I wanted to.  So, it was extra special that Hannah came to stay and that my mom was able to be with me all night.

They decided to give me 2 transfusions of blood because I'd lost so much. They were a little hesitant at first but I told them that I would take as much blood as they would give me. When we lost baby Michael, I lost a lot of blood then, too, and they erred on the side of no transfusion, and it took me months to recover from that, physically. After getting those two units of blood, I feel 10 times better. I was able to get up and walk around, even though my feet and calfs were so swollen that it felt like I wasn't even walking on my own feet.

So, the Drs. wanted me to stay the full 4 days in the hospital to make sure I wasn't going to start bleeding again and to make sure I was well on the way to recovery.  They wanted me to get up and walk around and able to take care of myself. So, I loaded Liam in his rolling bassinet and we walked the halls of the mother baby unit. We would walk past the nursery and see all the little babies, they were so cute! of course, not as cute at mine, but still. We went slow, but we made lots of rounds around that place.

I was so grateful for all the nurses that took care of me. With the exception of one, they were all very nice and always asking about my other babes and made sure that I was taking care of more than just physically. I will always be grateful for Melanie, my L&D nurse; Susie, my first M/B Unit nurse who was the primary nurse while i was hemorrhaging; Bonnie, my first night nurse who was very standoffish at first which we later learned was because she was very nervous that I would start bleeding again. She opened up a little with that confession and she checked on me religiously and because I was such a big case, another patient actually got a new nurse because most of her time was focused on me. Also, my discharge nurse, Krista, who was my nurse many times. Like I said, I loved all my nurses, but these women will always stand out as being the best!

So there it is. Liam's Birth Story plus extras. yeah, I know, I like details. lol

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