Sunday, September 15, 2013

Liam's Special Day

   Its tradition in our church, when new babies are born, we come before the whole congregation and give the baby a blessing and give him an official welcome into the ward. We do not believe in baptizing babies, so it is mainly a prayer over the baby. Moving on,

    It is our tradition to try and have family and friends at the blessing and living in Utah, we have quite a bit of family around, which was really nice. After the meeting where we bless the baby, we have a big luncheon with everyone who came to support us.

   It is also my tradition to make (or have made) something homemade and special for their blessing. With Ben, it was a blessing blanket. A really good friend of mine, Lisa, actually made the girls their blessing dresses and another friend, Katrina, made their white bows. So, for Liam, I decided to make a small blanket and a bowtie. I didn't make the blanket in time, but I did get to the bow tie, so look for it in the pictures!

    I'm going to start this story last night when I started preparing for the luncheon today. I wanted to make this amazing cake called Italian Love Cake. (link)  I tested it last week to test it and it turned out SO good.  I went to make the cake last night because it needs to cool completely then sit in the fridge for a few hours after frosting. The problem was I couldn't find the cake mix. I tried for almost an hour to find it but no luck. At this point, it was almost midnight and the cake had to bake for an hour. I was so tired already, but I ran out to the store and come back and made it.  I made it in a different pan this week and it didn't turn out visually like I would of liked because it didn't layer the way it was supposed to. So after staying up so late and having it not turn out made me very frustrated. So I decided to make snickerdoodle cookies and since we had so much family coming, I made a double batch and it took me almost 3 hours to make it and bake all the cookies. Then we decided to take the cake anyways (GAH! shoot me now).

  We decided to have shredded BBQ chicken sandwiches and I put the chicken in a crock pot last night and the chicken turned out really well. It was so tasty! Everyone really enjoyed it! But this morning when I was checking it and adjusting the heat, I hear Addison in the other room telling Liam to open his mouth and eat something. I come into the room and she's trying to feed him popcorn kernals. I was NOT happy and she got in lots of trouble and got a lecture for it.

I was kinda nervous that Liam would poop all over his blessing outfit because he hadn't pooped in a few days and he had a small blow out last night so I was very worried that it would happen. Luckily it didn't.

The other thing that stressed me out was the fact that all 4 kids needed to be bathed before church. Plus I needed to shower and get ready, in between all the cookies baking. I was literally running around baking cookies, bathing kids, dressing kids, feeding kids, doing the girls' hair, making sure we had everything for the luncheon and for the blessing.

It was a hard, hectic night and morning and I literally did not stop moving until we were sitting in the church. Oh, and the other thing that stressed me out, was the fact that I tried to feed Liam before the meeting but there was some kind of construction in the back of the bldg. and the mother's room was literally locked. I didn't know what to do, so I sat in the foyer and fed him. it was just a crazy morning or events.


But once the meeting started, Liam was pretty calm until they actually started the blessing. He screamed a few times but other than that, he was pretty calm. It was a beautiful blessing and I am grateful that I married and amazing man who is worthy and able to bless our children. He is such an amazing man.

After the blessing we took some family pictures then headed over my to Uncle's place as our place was much to small to host. We have a fantastic time visiting with family and friends. Here is who came:
Uncle Rob/ Bonnie
Hannah/ John
Jessie/ Paul Evie, Josie

Jennifer, Jule, Jenner Sorenson
Vicki, Ben Matheson, Malcom and Calvin

My cousin chris came to the luncheon afterwards, too. It was a great day and I was able to relax after going for what seemed like 15 straight hours (thats how it feels when I have to wake up at night to feed the babe).

Anyways, thats the crazy, eventful log of our day. We love our family SO SO SO much.

Oh, and the other thing that was awesome, was the my "step"cousin got engaged! Her fiancee is really great, we really like him and are glad he's gonna be part of the family!!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

It's hardest because you're gone.

    This week our little baby M. would've been celebrating his first birthday. Should've been. Its still hard when I think of him. I miss him so badly. It's not as if I dwell on my sad emotions but I can still remember the day he was born as if it was yesterday. Sometimes it feels that way. A song will come on the radio and will remind me and I sit there in the car sobbing. Or I see the outfit we had for him and I tear up. Or I will see the small little box in my closet that holds all the precious things we have of him and the little blankets that he was wrapped in.
    Before, I felt like I wouldn't be happy until I had another baby in my arms. Let me tell you, the whole time I was pregnant, I was worried and nervous that something would go wrong. Even as I was in surgery, I thought something would go wrong. Turns out, my nervousness was for nothing, even if it was understandable. I mean, we did have 2 miscarriages before Liam was born.
    I thought for sure that having another baby would fill the hole in my heart. Not true. I mean, I love Liam with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for anyone or anything. But I still miss M. Miss him so bad. Liam did not replace his place in my heart and I feel stupid for thinking that he could've. They are not the same person and they each hold a special place in my heart.
    This week is especially hard for me, wondering who our little boy would've been. Would he of looked like Ben and the girls or favor my side of the family like his cousin Hannah? Would he of been a happy baby who slept through the night for me, or been colicky and fussy all the time? Would he favor daddy's arms or mine?
    Its the not knowing, the not being able to hold him or know him... yet. I know we will get the chance to know him and I know he is being looked after until we can hold him again, but its the time until then that is killing me.
    Sometimes, its hurts when people ask how many kids I have. I feel like I should say 5 because I feel as if I'm leaving M. out if I don't yet at the same time, I don't want to share that story or to share M with them. But I do have 5.

   Having Liam has definitely filled my arms and a special place in my heart but he could never replace M. He's been such a blessing, especially because he will be our last. We're almost 100% sure on that front. Each pregnancy has had more and more complications and been harder and harder on me. Its gotten progressively more dangerous with the complications I've had. This last time was pretty hairy so its best if we stop while we're ahead. But holding my little Liam and smelling his newborn smell and nursing him and just begin with him makes me wonder if I can resist having another baby. I do get pretty baby hungry. :)

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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Liam Christopher Dossett

Its been over a year since I updated but around the time of my last post was when we found out we were pregnant. So, after 9 loooooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggggggg months,

            Liam Christopher Dossett

was born. There is and was a lot of drama surrounding the whole situation, so in order to tell the birth story, I'll catch you up on a few key details you'll need. 

1. This birth had to be a c-section because with the girls' c-section, they did a horizontal and vertical cut on my uterus (inverted T incision) so the chances of having an abruption (tear) are much higher. The Dr.s told me that we would do the c-section at 39 weeks so I wouldn't go into labor, basically I shouldn't be having contractions.

2. The due date is offcially August 12, making the c-section set for August 5th. 

3. Toby got an internship with Chevron for 3 months in Midland, TX. Those 3 months happened to be the last trimester of this pregnancy. This made it impossible for us to move to TX with him so he was in TX for 3 months and the kids and I stayed here.  He was set to start driving home on the 2nd of August and be home on the 3rd.

4. My mom came out a few weeks before the due date incase there were complications and we needed extra help without Toby being there.

Ok, onto the birth story.

I'd been having painful contractions all night but they were not at all regular. Unfortunately, even though they weren't regular, I still didn't sleep much. So, in the morning, i told my momma and we agreed to get someone to watch the kids and she'd go with me to my NST and OB appts.  At the NST, baby's heart rate was fine but they like to see small accelerations. If there are no accelerations that could mean a possible problem with the placenta. Well, after trying for over a half an hour, and after his heart rate dropped during the contractions, they sent me upstairs to Labor and Delivery. The Drs. said they were 85% sure I was gonna have the baby.

Upstairs, they started monitoring me and I kept having the contractions but his heart rate stabailized and he has accelerations, so they weren't concerned with that. Anyways, we kept trying to get ahold of the Dr. but she was busy with another c section so we couldn't tell if they were just gonna try and stop my contractions or do the c section. Anyways, 2 hours goes by... very slowly because i'm not allowed to eat or drink and I'm dying of thrist and my sugars are getting low and its just making me frustrated.

Then all of a sudden, the nurse comes into the room with an anesthesiologist and announces that they're gonna take the baby in the next hour. HOLY CRAP! I was not prepared for that.  I thought it'd be at least a few hours. but they were concerned with the intensity of the contractions and didn't want to wait.

I was happy to be done being pregnant but even more so, I was frustrated and sad that Toby wasn't going to be able to be there. As soon as he heard that I might be in labor, he got sent home, packed up, checked out of his dorm and started driving home. So, when we got into the delivery room, he was able to be on the phone with us and hear Liam be born.

I was kinda anxious the whole time, getting the epidural and just waiting for it to kick in. I got really worried and nervous and again, frustrated that Toby couldn't be there. They put me on oxygen and when I couldn't stop shivering and shaking, they put some warming "tubes" on me. it was like a warm air filter or something. I felt better after they started and things were looking good and I realized that this c section was not nearly as stressful as the last one.

Liam was born at 1:36p. He weighed 8 lb. 9 oz. and was 19 in. long. I got a glimpse of him as they whisked him out of the room to make sure that he was stabilizing because of my diabetes. They brought him back in for a few minutes so I could see him but I couldn't hold him.

After surgery they wheeled me back to my room which served as my Recovery Room. They made me stay there, being monitored for about an hour during which I didn't get to see Liam or hear about him. Longest hour, ever!

FINALLY, they took me downstairs to the Mother/ Baby unit where I would stay the rest of the time I was in the hospital. The rooms downstairs are SO much smaller than the labor and delivery rooms. Barely enough room to turn around, I swear.

Anywhere, next comes the scary story, so if you don't like reading intense, scary things, then skip this next part.

So, anyways, I was getting settled into my new room and my new nurse, Susie, is checking me and making sure all my vital are stable when she notices that I'm starting to hemmorage. She immediately calls another nurse for assistance and then pretty much chaos erupts in my room. Quite a few other nurses rush into the room and everyone is rushing around scrambling for supplies and for medication. they called my OB, who rushed down from upstairs to run things. They keep checking and rechecking my blood pressure and oxygen levels and making sure I wasn't passing out. But after everything they did and every medication they gave, I still kept hemorrhaging.  Calls and pages were being ignored by my Dr and the nurses because I was losing so much blood. One nurse was specifically in the room to hold my hand and keep me talking. They were really worried I would pass out, even though I never felt like I would. All day, I'd been drifting between exhaustion and being kinda alert. I hadn't slept much the night before so I was really tired and sometimes it was hard to keep my eyes open. During the chaos and rush of my situation, I still was so tired that I would almost fall asleep, making it seem like I was going to lose consciousness.  They kept "rolling" me on my sides so they could change the absorbent pads under me. Sadly, they were changing them almost every 5 minutes. They were also shooting me up with a drug used to stop heavy bleeding. I guess I could only have 4 doses and but they could be given every 15 minutes apart. So after being given each dose, they would start to get nervous because they wanted to give me the next dose but not enough time had passed.  In my tiny little room, there were at least 10 nurses working. It was really frustrating, not being able to do anything and especially for not being able to see my baby. At one point, my mom came to the door, wondering what was going on and they asked if I wanted her to come in, but even being with me in the c-section made her a little sick and traumatized. So I told them not to let to her in. Plus I wanted someone to be with Liam. Finally, after about an hour things finally started getting better. The bleeding slowed and my uterus was staying "firm" (not real sure what that means, but apparently being "soft" is bad.)

Through it all, I kept praying, not only that things would get better, but that I would be able to get better enough to hold my baby again. Its really the only thing that was on my mind. Its interesting though, because all the nurses were surprised that my epidural had not started to wear off yet. iT'd been almost 2 1/2 hours after they pulled the meds and I should of started to be able to feel my toes and move them but I honestly couldn't feel anything below my waist. That turned out to be a HUGE blessing. one time, when they had me rolled on my side and were changing the pads, a thought came to me and it was basically, that the epidural was still working because I would need the pain medication to get through the hemorrhaging. The nurses were all amazed that it was still working but many commented that it was a blessing because I would most certainly be in a lot of pain if I hadn't had it.
    Nurses were talking about the experience for days afterwards. Nurses I didn't even recognize would tell me that I was looking so much better and they were all glad I was doing well.  One even commented to Toby while they were in the nursery with Liam that it was a very scary situation and things got pretty hairy. Crazy. When everything first started going down, I asked if I would need surgery and they said it was a possibility if the bleeding didn't stop. Thanks goodness that it did, I certainly didn't want a hysterectomy, even though that probably is the very last resort.

Anyways, things got better after that. Liam was able to come and I was able to hold him and nurse him. he took to nursing like he's been doing it for months. We had absolutely no trouble getting latched and getting him to eat. He was a champ for sure. And an excellent snuggler. He loved being held and rarely cried. Although, he did hate having his diaper changed. He screams blood murder every time his diaper comes off.

Ok, now Toby didn't make it back in time for the delivery but he was driving straight through from Texas. He stopped once to take about a 2 hour nap but I didn't want to call and ask if he was on his way again because I didn't want to wake him. The next morning, about 7 or 8 ish, he walks in the door! It was a very nice sweet surprise! I hadn't seen him in a month and the first time I do, he gets to meet his son!

We had a neighbor watch the kids and our best friend, Hannah, was able to take off work and come down and stay the night with the kids so that my mom could stay the night with me in the hospital. Its a good thing she did because they wouldn't remove my catheter so i couldn't just get up and change him or get up at all, even if I wanted to.  So, it was extra special that Hannah came to stay and that my mom was able to be with me all night.

They decided to give me 2 transfusions of blood because I'd lost so much. They were a little hesitant at first but I told them that I would take as much blood as they would give me. When we lost baby Michael, I lost a lot of blood then, too, and they erred on the side of no transfusion, and it took me months to recover from that, physically. After getting those two units of blood, I feel 10 times better. I was able to get up and walk around, even though my feet and calfs were so swollen that it felt like I wasn't even walking on my own feet.

So, the Drs. wanted me to stay the full 4 days in the hospital to make sure I wasn't going to start bleeding again and to make sure I was well on the way to recovery.  They wanted me to get up and walk around and able to take care of myself. So, I loaded Liam in his rolling bassinet and we walked the halls of the mother baby unit. We would walk past the nursery and see all the little babies, they were so cute! of course, not as cute at mine, but still. We went slow, but we made lots of rounds around that place.

I was so grateful for all the nurses that took care of me. With the exception of one, they were all very nice and always asking about my other babes and made sure that I was taking care of more than just physically. I will always be grateful for Melanie, my L&D nurse; Susie, my first M/B Unit nurse who was the primary nurse while i was hemorrhaging; Bonnie, my first night nurse who was very standoffish at first which we later learned was because she was very nervous that I would start bleeding again. She opened up a little with that confession and she checked on me religiously and because I was such a big case, another patient actually got a new nurse because most of her time was focused on me. Also, my discharge nurse, Krista, who was my nurse many times. Like I said, I loved all my nurses, but these women will always stand out as being the best!

So there it is. Liam's Birth Story plus extras. yeah, I know, I like details. lol

Sunday, November 25, 2012

A goal and Christmas stuff

Its almost Christmas time. Turkey time has passed and Toby and I have made some health goals and perosnal goals. One of mine is to get backt o bloggin about my cute, adorable, amazing kids.. and family, of course. 

One thing I have been working on lately is to make a home made advent calendar. Since I lived in Germany and advent was very big there, it is a pretty big tradition to me. So I saw one I loved in pinterest, convinced my mom to make one too and we went to the store to pick everything out.

 Advent Pocket Calendar
 I'm almost done making the pockets. Mine are not as cutsie as this on here but I like how they turned out.  
Then comes the hard part of figuring out what to put in them. Toby and I brainstormed 30 ideas because we won't to rotate them and here's what we have:

1. Tape quarters to candy/toy machines w/ kindness note
2. Go see the lights at the Temple.
3. Take food to $ to a homeless person.
4. Donate 2-3 toys
5. Go caroling as a family
6. Bake cookies from friends
7. Go sledding or build a snowman
8. Watch a Christmas movie and drink cocoa
9. Decide on and go buy a new memory ornament
10. Hang stockings and eat cookies
11. Hand out candy canes to random people
12. Drive to see Christmas lights
13. Go see the Festival of Trees
14. Do something nice for each family member
15. Find and attend a free Christmas concert
16. Visit Santa
17. Write letters to Santa
18. Put on Christmas music and dance
19. Read a talk about the Savior
20. Listen to the 1st Presidency's Christmas Devotional
21. Participate in Ward Choir Christmas Program
22. write and anonymous note to the bishop and leave w/ treats
23. Minute-to-Win it games
24. Open Christmas jammies and read the Christmas story from the bible.

Alternates/ for when kids are older:
25: Pick Secret Santas
26. Donate to salvation army bell ringers
27. Have missionaries over to dinner
28. Gift for teacher at school
29. Pick and Angel from the Angel Tree 

What do you think? Got any to add?

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The usual goings-on

Ok, so I haven't been as good as I thought I would be. But, here I am.

So, we moved. It was a couple weeks ago and after all that drama with trying to find a new place, then being told we couldn't move there anymore, or finding this place and finally moving in has really settled my stress down. Finally I don't have to stress anymore about trying to find a place what will be big enough for our family but not out of our price range. It actually worked out better thatn the first place we had originally had. I love this place! I guess the thing I like most about it is that we got to know everyone in our building already (6 families, but one moved). Its nice to actually know people that live near us. Everyone here had kids around Ben's age or the girls' age and its nice to be able to play with them and hang out with other moms. At our last place we didn't really have that, most of the kids were a bit older and it was just hard for me because Ben would want to play older games with all these older kids and I wasn't too sure about it. OR they would leave him out of games and he would be sad. But here, its super nice! Anyways, other things I like is the fact that there is only one bathroom to clean, we have our OWN washer and dryer, I can put up a baby gate to keep the kids out of the kitchen (or in the kitchen with food), its bottom floor, we have a huge storage closet, and its close to the library!

Moving on... the Girls' Speech Therapy. They've been doing so well!! They are starting to say more words and trying to communicate more what they want. They are trying to ask for what they want and they try so hard to tell me things. Its actually really cute to see them jabbering away to each other. Its like they have their own language and have this silent communication sometimes. They do really well when Christine, their speech therapist comes over. Basically we do games and teach them words that go along with those games. Lots of times we play with balls and we say ball, throw, catch, please, more, etc. One time she brought bubbles and we learned blow, bubbles, pop, kick (when we kicked the bubbles), more, please. Se, we use words over to really cement them in their minds.

Ben has been driving me crazy lately. Its all about asking questions over and over and over again. Even when I already gave him my answer. I'm trying to ignore him most time but other times it just bugs me so bad. I've started putting him in time-out every time he asks me a question over and over. I mean really? I already answered the question, its not as if I'm gonna change my mind. He knows this. I've been really good about not going back on what I say. I mean, I'm not a natzi, but if I said it, I'm gonna stick by it. He's getting a little better, but some days it still drives me nuts!!

We've been going to the water park, A LOT! in the past 2 weeks, we've been 3 times. Of course, it closes the end of this month, so we're trying to get all the time in that we can. With Toby at work, we've been taking my Lil bro with us, so I don't have to watch all 3 by myself. Of course, I only have to keep a small eye on Ben because he's like a fish in the water. I make sure I know where he is at all times, but I don't really have to worry about him like the girls. Sometimes they will fall under the  water and have trouble righting themselves so we have to grab them. Other times, I try to let them try to get under control and fix it themselves. I don't let them try for too long if I realize they can't do it, but I do try and let them do it themselves. My favorite part of going to the water park is going to the wave pool. Ben loves to play in the waves and like I said, he's a little fish. As long as I can see him, I know he's OK because he's never had trouble. I like to sit in the shallow end and let the waves lap over my legs. Sometimes I lay there and its cute because the girls will come and lay down beside me and sun bathe. Once, Peyton tried to lay on her tummy with her head to the side, but obviously that wouldn't work very well. haha.

Toby is working hard at his internship and has about 2 weeks left. THEN school starts back up. I'm still sad that he's gone all day but I guess I have to get used to it as this will be how it is when he has a real job. He absolutely love his work and he very good at it. I'm so happy that he will be doing something he loves.

As for me? I'm trying to get back into some wort of schedule. I've been down lately with still trying to deal with the miscarriage. Its has just really knocked me down. Its been hard to see other babies and know that we should be getting close to having our own. Its not as if I am angry at them or hate them, it just hurt to know that I won't have a baby when I want one. I know others struggle with infertility, I have lots o family members who are/ have struggled. and I guess know I know what it feels like. Like I was telling Toby, I've only had one completely successful pregnancy. With Ben, we had practically no complications, just the jaundice after he was born. Of course, we all know about the girls and even though they are fin now, it was definitely NOT a successful pregnancy, obviously. haha. Anyways, then I had 2 miscarriages. Its just hard to try and wrap my mind around everything. Anyways, enough about that.
I'm going to get back into working out. I've been planning better meals, getting the kids out of the house, trying to have a good schedule; things like that. I hope I can get myself out of this funk because I really don't like it.

Sorry to end on a downer, but hey, this is life, right?

Friday, July 20, 2012

I'm back!! i think.....

Hey, I know its been awhile since I last posted. Its been one crazy ride. Anyways, here's whats been going on:

1. We found out we have to move. Again. We moved into this place in December and now they are converting it back to single student housing. So, we searched and found a place that was still in the same ward and it was also converted single housing, and one stairwell was devoted to families and they were all in our ward. It was gonna be so awesome! Anyways, today we went to talk to them about our move in date and they informed us that they would no longer be letting families stay there. So now, with 2 weeks left before we HAVE to be out of here, we have to find a new place. and guess what? WE DID! its an amazing new place. a tiny bit smaller but we really really really love it. I'll post more about that later!

2. Ben turned 4!!! Hes such a cute kid! At first he wanted a Mickey Mouse party but it ended up being Spider-man, just like last year. We have some friends over from our neighborhood. We colored pictures of spider-mans villains then took them outside and sprayed them with silly string (aka spider webbing) then threw water balloons at them (and each other). Then we played pin the spider on the spider web. The food was: red and blue kool-aid, spider cookies, pretzel webs, red and blue lemon jellos. I made a blue cake with red frosting and Toby drew a picture of Spider-man's face. Pictures to come later!

3. Ben took swim lessons. He did so great and had so much fun! He passed everything and can move on to the next level. Probably next year.

4. The girls started speech therapy. They are doing awesome! They learn at least 15 new words a week.. maybe a few less. They love saying no, shoes, ben, please, water, nana, daddy, and mommy. those aren't the only ones they say, but those are their favorites!

5. Toby started an internship in SLC. He takes the bus up every morning (to save on gas and he can sleep on the way). He's working on a project to find natural gas. He loves it.

6. The suburban broke down on us. we didn't drive it for over a month and I really missed it. I love my big, fat car!! the brakes would grind super terrible and it wouldn't brake great. we took it in and it cost an arm and a leg to fix. but its working again and I'm happy for it!

7. Our best friends from Rexburg came to visit. Seth and Kate had a family wedding and stayed with us for a week. Luckily we still had this place and even with all 5 of them and 5 of us, it didn't feel crowded! Nathan roomed with Ben; Lexi roomed with the girls, and Anya Seth and Kate took the spare room.  They had lots of family activities, but we were able to spend all Friday with them. We all hung out at Seven Peaks and it was super awesome fun. We really have missed them so much. We've been great friends since pretty much the time we moved to Rexburg (which was practically our whole marriage). It was a blast seeing them. We hope to see them again soon, to visit them!!

8. We celebrated 5 years of marriage! Its been the best, most trying, craziest, most wonderful 5 years ever. I can't believe that I could be so happy. Toby is the most thoughtful, wonderful, amazing man ever. I wouldn't trust anyone else with my heart. He knows me so well and I love him so much! He is my best friend and I can tell him anything. If I believed in sould mates, he'd be mine.
We celebrated by going to Texas Roadhouse and flirting up a storm, then snuggling in a movie. We took photo booth pictures just like we did on our first anniversary. they turned out so adorable. What I didn't know was that they played a video of your entire time in the booth, on a big screen outside for everyone to see. How embarrassing? gah! oh well, the pictures were super amazing! I love this guy!

9. July 4th was a fun day! Seth and Kate were here and we all hiked to the parade on University Ave. it was lot of fun, but really hot and I had to run to the BK close by and buy a bunch of water! All the kids loved the horses and there were even llamas. the beauty queens waved and blew kisses and loved it when Ben blew them back.Then we had a BBQ with my cousin, and a block party with our friends. All great food, fun people and sweet fireworks. 100% fun day.

10. Next things that are gonna be going on are:
    1. moving
    2. little brother staying with us for 7 weeks
    3. parents coming to visit
    4. Ditch kids with said parents to spend a day and night away together
    5. school starting again and Toby interviewing for internships for next summer
    6. My first niece on my side will be here in October.

That's the update for now!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

There are somethings that change you in your soul

This blog is a journal of sorts for me, so even though it kills me and breaks my heart every day to think about it, I need to get this down and if you wanna read it, go for it.

In case you didn't know, or didn't read or did care, or what not, despite earlier posts, we will not be having baby # 4 anytime soon. I miscarried at 16 weeks. Lost of people are probably wondering what happened but never ask, which is fine.  I can tell you what happened, but not how I feel about it.
**If you don't wanna read about what actually happened, then feel free to skip this post!

The Friday before Easter I found I was bleeding, just a little bit, but still enough that I called the Dr. because this is what happened to with my pregnancy (miscarried at 8 weeks). We set up an appointment for an ultrasound for a couple hours later. Luckily, my lil bro was around to watch the kid for us.
When the ultrasound started, the tech was concerned with my cervix and placenta because I had a low laying placenta which can cause bleeding, and also because I had problems with early dilation with my girls' pregnancy. We could only see part of the baby because the tech was trying to get a good view of my cervix, but I could tell he was either sleeping or wasn't moving for other reasons. When I commented to the Tech that "he" wasn't moving very much she turned her attention to "him" to find the heartbeat. When she found the heart but it wasn't beating I started crying. She just handed me tissues and kept looking, much to her credit, for almost 10 minutes.
   When we went to talk to the Dr. he recommended that I go into the hospital to deliver the baby because of my possible bleeding complications. So after we went home and informed our families of the news, I took some pills that would make me go into labor. After a few hours I started bleeding more and more and cramping so we went in. I got settled in the room and the nurses were very nice and sympathetic. (They were also amazed when they took my history and learned about our girls' story.) Throughout everything, they were there for us, talking us through everything that would happen and what we would to if certain other things happened. They said that there was a lady who would come in and take pictures for us and take molds of the baby's hand and feet. It was all very sweet.
   Anyways, it started getting late and I was progressing but not super fast. I couldn't relax completely because I really started feeling the cramps but nothing too terribly horrible, just enough to wake me up and make me grimace. I took some pain meds that make me kinda woozey but also make me lose my dinner. The nurse offered to get me an epidural but I really didn't want to do through all that trouble and extra worry, so I just sucked it up. She did give me zophran which helps with nausea but it didn't help because I threw up 2 more times. She gave me morphine a few hours later but it didn't help at all. I don't know what it was, but morphine did nothing for me. It didn't bother me bery much because I could still stand the pain. Around 230a things started getting goingwith me bleeding a ton more and being dilated enough. The Dr. was called and around 315ish our baby was "born." Things got a little complicated because the placenta wasn't delivering. We did know from a previous ultrasound that the placenta had attached to the scar tissue and when that happens, it can attach deeply, "looking for healthy tissue." Anyways, the Dr. spent about half and hour trying different things (which were not pleasant without any kind of pain relief, let me tell you!) After that time, he called the anesthesiologist to prep me for a D&C because it wasn't coming out on it own. They got me in there pretty quick so I wonder if I was bleeding more than usual. Of course, it was the kiddle of the night so no one was doing much else.
   When I came out of the "coma" as I call it, it felt awful and high and just completely out of it, and I hate that feeling. For 3 hours I tried to be able to focus on my surroundings but I couldn't. I could tell that the lady was there documents things for our baby, and I could tell Toby was there, but I couldn't form a coherent sentence. Here are some things I said (from Toby):
1. to the Dr. "So, there's not actually two of you?" (because I was seeing double
2. When I close my eyes, I see a meat factory (hallucinations)
3. I want these drugs for my kids. (Toby, freaking out a little at that one, because I said it to a nurse)
4. When asked why I wanted to give it to my kids, "So they'll sleep."

Seriously, every time I closed my eyes, I felt like I was somewhere else. I didn't sleep at all during those 3 hours because I was trying to hard to wake up.

The baby that we would of had was a boy. I knew it even before they told us, I just knew it. I hope we have another boy because I really feel like we're supposed to have another son. While I was in surgery, Toby was able to hold the baby and bond with him for a few hours. (Just to clarify, the baby was not living, not that you didn't know that from the ultrasound results, but still)

Later that morning I was able to hold our baby boy. We opted not to name him.

The Dr. came in a little later and said that I lost a bit of blood and they wanted to keep me around a little bit longer to check my levels after a few hours. This is probably because the first time I tried to get up to go to the bathroom I almost passed out. Toby AND the nurse had to catch me and help me back to bed. They said my blood count was 22 when they like it to be at a 40 but still didn't feel like I needed a transfusion, I just needed to drink tons of water, take it easy (yeah right), and take some iron pills.

Luckily, my brother was around to help with things especially staying all night with out kids, and my cousin and a few friends who made us dinner. My momma came out the next week to help out and be there for me, which was invaluable. My dad was also there for me through phone, email and oovoo. I'm so grateful for a wonderful extended family who all wrote emails or calls to make sure we were ok.
Also, Toby words can not express how amazing he was amazing through it all; being at the ultrasound with me, and in the hospital. Words can not express how grateful I am for my family who help with everything.

I know this post doesn't have tons of emotion, I just can't talk about how traumatizing and devestating this has been. I just want to be able to look back on this after awhile (preferably holding a new baby) and not having terrible thoughts and feelings.

Thanks for all prayers, comments of love and sympathy and encouragement. They mean the world to me.

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