It's hardest because you're gone.

    This week our little baby M. would've been celebrating his first birthday. Should've been. Its still hard when I think of him. I miss him so badly. It's not as if I dwell on my sad emotions but I can still remember the day he was born as if it was yesterday. Sometimes it feels that way. A song will come on the radio and will remind me and I sit there in the car sobbing. Or I see the outfit we had for him and I tear up. Or I will see the small little box in my closet that holds all the precious things we have of him and the little blankets that he was wrapped in.
    Before, I felt like I wouldn't be happy until I had another baby in my arms. Let me tell you, the whole time I was pregnant, I was worried and nervous that something would go wrong. Even as I was in surgery, I thought something would go wrong. Turns out, my nervousness was for nothing, even if it was understandable. I mean, we did have 2 miscarriages before Liam was born.
    I thought for sure that having another baby would fill the hole in my heart. Not true. I mean, I love Liam with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for anyone or anything. But I still miss M. Miss him so bad. Liam did not replace his place in my heart and I feel stupid for thinking that he could've. They are not the same person and they each hold a special place in my heart.
   
    This week is especially hard for me, wondering who our little boy would've been. Would he of looked like Ben and the girls or favor my side of the family like his cousin Hannah? Would he of been a happy baby who slept through the night for me, or been colicky and fussy all the time? Would he favor daddy's arms or mine?
    Its the not knowing, the not being able to hold him or know him... yet. I know we will get the chance to know him and I know he is being looked after until we can hold him again, but its the time until then that is killing me.
    Sometimes, its hurts when people ask how many kids I have. I feel like I should say 5 because I feel as if I'm leaving M. out if I don't yet at the same time, I don't want to share that story or to share M with them. But I do have 5.

   Having Liam has definitely filled my arms and a special place in my heart but he could never replace M. He's been such a blessing, especially because he will be our last. We're almost 100% sure on that front. Each pregnancy has had more and more complications and been harder and harder on me. Its gotten progressively more dangerous with the complications I've had. This last time was pretty hairy so its best if we stop while we're ahead. But holding my little Liam and smelling his newborn smell and nursing him and just begin with him makes me wonder if I can resist having another baby. I do get pretty baby hungry. :)

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