A goal and Christmas stuff

Its almost Christmas time. Turkey time has passed and Toby and I have made some health goals and perosnal goals. One of mine is to get backt o bloggin about my cute, adorable, amazing kids.. and family, of course. 

One thing I have been working on lately is to make a home made advent calendar. Since I lived in Germany and advent was very big there, it is a pretty big tradition to me. So I saw one I loved in pinterest, convinced my mom to make one too and we went to the store to pick everything out.

 

 I'm almost done making the pockets. Mine are not as cutsie as this on here but I like how they turned out.  

Then comes the hard part of figuring out what to put in them. Toby and I brainstormed 30 ideas because we won't to rotate them and here's what we have:

1. Tape quarters to candy/toy machines w/ kindness note

2. Go see the lights at the Temple.

3. Take food to $ to a homeless person.

4. Donate 2-3 toys

5. Go caroling as a family

6. Bake cookies from friends

7. Go sledding or build a snowman

8. Watch a Christmas movie and drink cocoa

9. Decide on and go buy a new memory ornament

10. Hang stockings and eat cookies

11. Hand out candy canes to random people

12. Drive to see Christmas lights

13. Go see the Festival of Trees

14. Do something nice for each family member

15. Find and attend a free Christmas concert

16. Visit Santa

17. Write letters to Santa

18. Put on Christmas music and dance

19. Read a talk about the Savior

20. Listen to the 1st Presidency's Christmas Devotional

21. Participate in Ward Choir Christmas Program

22. write and anonymous note to the bishop and leave w/ treats

23. Minute-to-Win it games

24. Open Christmas jammies and read the Christmas story from the bible.

Alternates/ for when kids are older:

25: Pick Secret Santas

26. Donate to salvation army bell ringers

27. Have missionaries over to dinner

28. Gift for teacher at school

29. Pick and Angel from the Angel Tree 

What do you think? Got any to add?

The usual goings-on

Ok, so I haven't been as good as I thought I would be. But, here I am.

So, we moved. It was a couple weeks ago and after all that drama with trying to find a new place, then being told we couldn't move there anymore, or finding this place and finally moving in has really settled my stress down. Finally I don't have to stress anymore about trying to find a place what will be big enough for our family but not out of our price range. It actually worked out better thatn the first place we had originally had. I love this place! I guess the thing I like most about it is that we got to know everyone in our building already (6 families, but one moved). Its nice to actually know people that live near us. Everyone here had kids around Ben's age or the girls' age and its nice to be able to play with them and hang out with other moms. At our last place we didn't really have that, most of the kids were a bit older and it was just hard for me because Ben would want to play older games with all these older kids and I wasn't too sure about it. OR they would leave him out of games and he would be sad. But here, its super nice! Anyways, other things I like is the fact that there is only one bathroom to clean, we have our OWN washer and dryer, I can put up a baby gate to keep the kids out of the kitchen (or in the kitchen with food), its bottom floor, we have a huge storage closet, and its close to the library!

Moving on... the Girls' Speech Therapy. They've been doing so well!! They are starting to say more words and trying to communicate more what they want. They are trying to ask for what they want and they try so hard to tell me things. Its actually really cute to see them jabbering away to each other. Its like they have their own language and have this silent communication sometimes. They do really well when Christine, their speech therapist comes over. Basically we do games and teach them words that go along with those games. Lots of times we play with balls and we say ball, throw, catch, please, more, etc. One time she brought bubbles and we learned blow, bubbles, pop, kick (when we kicked the bubbles), more, please. Se, we use words over to really cement them in their minds.

Ben has been driving me crazy lately. Its all about asking questions over and over and over again. Even when I already gave him my answer. I'm trying to ignore him most time but other times it just bugs me so bad. I've started putting him in time-out every time he asks me a question over and over. I mean really? I already answered the question, its not as if I'm gonna change my mind. He knows this. I've been really good about not going back on what I say. I mean, I'm not a natzi, but if I said it, I'm gonna stick by it. He's getting a little better, but some days it still drives me nuts!!

We've been going to the water park, A LOT! in the past 2 weeks, we've been 3 times. Of course, it closes the end of this month, so we're trying to get all the time in that we can. With Toby at work, we've been taking my Lil bro with us, so I don't have to watch all 3 by myself. Of course, I only have to keep a small eye on Ben because he's like a fish in the water. I make sure I know where he is at all times, but I don't really have to worry about him like the girls. Sometimes they will fall under the  water and have trouble righting themselves so we have to grab them. Other times, I try to let them try to get under control and fix it themselves. I don't let them try for too long if I realize they can't do it, but I do try and let them do it themselves. My favorite part of going to the water park is going to the wave pool. Ben loves to play in the waves and like I said, he's a little fish. As long as I can see him, I know he's OK because he's never had trouble. I like to sit in the shallow end and let the waves lap over my legs. Sometimes I lay there and its cute because the girls will come and lay down beside me and sun bathe. Once, Peyton tried to lay on her tummy with her head to the side, but obviously that wouldn't work very well. haha.

Toby is working hard at his internship and has about 2 weeks left. THEN school starts back up. I'm still sad that he's gone all day but I guess I have to get used to it as this will be how it is when he has a real job. He absolutely love his work and he very good at it. I'm so happy that he will be doing something he loves.

As for me? I'm trying to get back into some wort of schedule. I've been down lately with still trying to deal with the miscarriage. Its has just really knocked me down. Its been hard to see other babies and know that we should be getting close to having our own. Its not as if I am angry at them or hate them, it just hurt to know that I won't have a baby when I want one. I know others struggle with infertility, I have lots o family members who are/ have struggled. and I guess know I know what it feels like. Like I was telling Toby, I've only had one completely successful pregnancy. With Ben, we had practically no complications, just the jaundice after he was born. Of course, we all know about the girls and even though they are fin now, it was definitely NOT a successful pregnancy, obviously. haha. Anyways, then I had 2 miscarriages. Its just hard to try and wrap my mind around everything. Anyways, enough about that.
I'm going to get back into working out. I've been planning better meals, getting the kids out of the house, trying to have a good schedule; things like that. I hope I can get myself out of this funk because I really don't like it.

Sorry to end on a downer, but hey, this is life, right?

I'm back!! i think.....

Hey, I know its been awhile since I last posted. Its been one crazy ride. Anyways, here's whats been going on:

1. We found out we have to move. Again. We moved into this place in December and now they are converting it back to single student housing. So, we searched and found a place that was still in the same ward and it was also converted single housing, and one stairwell was devoted to families and they were all in our ward. It was gonna be so awesome! Anyways, today we went to talk to them about our move in date and they informed us that they would no longer be letting families stay there. So now, with 2 weeks left before we HAVE to be out of here, we have to find a new place. and guess what? WE DID! its an amazing new place. a tiny bit smaller but we really really really love it. I'll post more about that later!

2. Ben turned 4!!! Hes such a cute kid! At first he wanted a Mickey Mouse party but it ended up being Spider-man, just like last year. We have some friends over from our neighborhood. We colored pictures of spider-mans villains then took them outside and sprayed them with silly string (aka spider webbing) then threw water balloons at them (and each other). Then we played pin the spider on the spider web. The food was: red and blue kool-aid, spider cookies, pretzel webs, red and blue lemon jellos. I made a blue cake with red frosting and Toby drew a picture of Spider-man's face. Pictures to come later!

3. Ben took swim lessons. He did so great and had so much fun! He passed everything and can move on to the next level. Probably next year.

4. The girls started speech therapy. They are doing awesome! They learn at least 15 new words a week.. maybe a few less. They love saying no, shoes, ben, please, water, nana, daddy, and mommy. those aren't the only ones they say, but those are their favorites!

5. Toby started an internship in SLC. He takes the bus up every morning (to save on gas and he can sleep on the way). He's working on a project to find natural gas. He loves it.

6. The suburban broke down on us. we didn't drive it for over a month and I really missed it. I love my big, fat car!! the brakes would grind super terrible and it wouldn't brake great. we took it in and it cost an arm and a leg to fix. but its working again and I'm happy for it!

7. Our best friends from Rexburg came to visit. Seth and Kate had a family wedding and stayed with us for a week. Luckily we still had this place and even with all 5 of them and 5 of us, it didn't feel crowded! Nathan roomed with Ben; Lexi roomed with the girls, and Anya Seth and Kate took the spare room.  They had lots of family activities, but we were able to spend all Friday with them. We all hung out at Seven Peaks and it was super awesome fun. We really have missed them so much. We've been great friends since pretty much the time we moved to Rexburg (which was practically our whole marriage). It was a blast seeing them. We hope to see them again soon, to visit them!!

8. We celebrated 5 years of marriage! Its been the best, most trying, craziest, most wonderful 5 years ever. I can't believe that I could be so happy. Toby is the most thoughtful, wonderful, amazing man ever. I wouldn't trust anyone else with my heart. He knows me so well and I love him so much! He is my best friend and I can tell him anything. If I believed in sould mates, he'd be mine.
We celebrated by going to Texas Roadhouse and flirting up a storm, then snuggling in a movie. We took photo booth pictures just like we did on our first anniversary. they turned out so adorable. What I didn't know was that they played a video of your entire time in the booth, on a big screen outside for everyone to see. How embarrassing? gah! oh well, the pictures were super amazing! I love this guy!

9. July 4th was a fun day! Seth and Kate were here and we all hiked to the parade on University Ave. it was lot of fun, but really hot and I had to run to the BK close by and buy a bunch of water! All the kids loved the horses and there were even llamas. the beauty queens waved and blew kisses and loved it when Ben blew them back.Then we had a BBQ with my cousin, and a block party with our friends. All great food, fun people and sweet fireworks. 100% fun day.

10. Next things that are gonna be going on are:
    1. moving
    2. little brother staying with us for 7 weeks
    3. parents coming to visit
    4. Ditch kids with said parents to spend a day and night away together
    5. school starting again and Toby interviewing for internships for next summer
    6. My first niece on my side will be here in October.

That's the update for now!

There are somethings that change you in your soul

This blog is a journal of sorts for me, so even though it kills me and breaks my heart every day to think about it, I need to get this down and if you wanna read it, go for it.

In case you didn't know, or didn't read or did care, or what not, despite earlier posts, we will not be having baby # 4 anytime soon. I miscarried at 16 weeks. Lost of people are probably wondering what happened but never ask, which is fine.  I can tell you what happened, but not how I feel about it.
**If you don't wanna read about what actually happened, then feel free to skip this post!

The Friday before Easter I found I was bleeding, just a little bit, but still enough that I called the Dr. because this is what happened to with my pregnancy (miscarried at 8 weeks). We set up an appointment for an ultrasound for a couple hours later. Luckily, my lil bro was around to watch the kid for us.
When the ultrasound started, the tech was concerned with my cervix and placenta because I had a low laying placenta which can cause bleeding, and also because I had problems with early dilation with my girls' pregnancy. We could only see part of the baby because the tech was trying to get a good view of my cervix, but I could tell he was either sleeping or wasn't moving for other reasons. When I commented to the Tech that "he" wasn't moving very much she turned her attention to "him" to find the heartbeat. When she found the heart but it wasn't beating I started crying. She just handed me tissues and kept looking, much to her credit, for almost 10 minutes.
   When we went to talk to the Dr. he recommended that I go into the hospital to deliver the baby because of my possible bleeding complications. So after we went home and informed our families of the news, I took some pills that would make me go into labor. After a few hours I started bleeding more and more and cramping so we went in. I got settled in the room and the nurses were very nice and sympathetic. (They were also amazed when they took my history and learned about our girls' story.) Throughout everything, they were there for us, talking us through everything that would happen and what we would to if certain other things happened. They said that there was a lady who would come in and take pictures for us and take molds of the baby's hand and feet. It was all very sweet.
   Anyways, it started getting late and I was progressing but not super fast. I couldn't relax completely because I really started feeling the cramps but nothing too terribly horrible, just enough to wake me up and make me grimace. I took some pain meds that make me kinda woozey but also make me lose my dinner. The nurse offered to get me an epidural but I really didn't want to do through all that trouble and extra worry, so I just sucked it up. She did give me zophran which helps with nausea but it didn't help because I threw up 2 more times. She gave me morphine a few hours later but it didn't help at all. I don't know what it was, but morphine did nothing for me. It didn't bother me bery much because I could still stand the pain. Around 230a things started getting goingwith me bleeding a ton more and being dilated enough. The Dr. was called and around 315ish our baby was "born." Things got a little complicated because the placenta wasn't delivering. We did know from a previous ultrasound that the placenta had attached to the scar tissue and when that happens, it can attach deeply, "looking for healthy tissue." Anyways, the Dr. spent about half and hour trying different things (which were not pleasant without any kind of pain relief, let me tell you!) After that time, he called the anesthesiologist to prep me for a D&C because it wasn't coming out on it own. They got me in there pretty quick so I wonder if I was bleeding more than usual. Of course, it was the kiddle of the night so no one was doing much else.
   When I came out of the "coma" as I call it, it felt awful and high and just completely out of it, and I hate that feeling. For 3 hours I tried to be able to focus on my surroundings but I couldn't. I could tell that the lady was there documents things for our baby, and I could tell Toby was there, but I couldn't form a coherent sentence. Here are some things I said (from Toby):
1. to the Dr. "So, there's not actually two of you?" (because I was seeing double
2. When I close my eyes, I see a meat factory (hallucinations)
3. I want these drugs for my kids. (Toby, freaking out a little at that one, because I said it to a nurse)
4. When asked why I wanted to give it to my kids, "So they'll sleep."

Seriously, every time I closed my eyes, I felt like I was somewhere else. I didn't sleep at all during those 3 hours because I was trying to hard to wake up.

The baby that we would of had was a boy. I knew it even before they told us, I just knew it. I hope we have another boy because I really feel like we're supposed to have another son. While I was in surgery, Toby was able to hold the baby and bond with him for a few hours. (Just to clarify, the baby was not living, not that you didn't know that from the ultrasound results, but still)

Later that morning I was able to hold our baby boy. We opted not to name him.

The Dr. came in a little later and said that I lost a bit of blood and they wanted to keep me around a little bit longer to check my levels after a few hours. This is probably because the first time I tried to get up to go to the bathroom I almost passed out. Toby AND the nurse had to catch me and help me back to bed. They said my blood count was 22 when they like it to be at a 40 but still didn't feel like I needed a transfusion, I just needed to drink tons of water, take it easy (yeah right), and take some iron pills.

Luckily, my brother was around to help with things especially staying all night with out kids, and my cousin and a few friends who made us dinner. My momma came out the next week to help out and be there for me, which was invaluable. My dad was also there for me through phone, email and oovoo. I'm so grateful for a wonderful extended family who all wrote emails or calls to make sure we were ok.
Also, Toby words can not express how amazing he was amazing through it all; being at the ultrasound with me, and in the hospital. Words can not express how grateful I am for my family who help with everything.

I know this post doesn't have tons of emotion, I just can't talk about how traumatizing and devestating this has been. I just want to be able to look back on this after awhile (preferably holding a new baby) and not having terrible thoughts and feelings.

Thanks for all prayers, comments of love and sympathy and encouragement. They mean the world to me.

Baby # 4, not 4 and 5!!

That right! We're pregnant with baby # 4. Not 4 and 5, mind you. That would be much much too crazy for me. So, I decided to not tell Toby that I was taking a test, because I think he's been the first to know with all the others because I'm too chicken to check it myself and be sad when its a negative. ANYWAYS, I found out alone, which was fine, but I wanted to show Toby in a special way. My first thought was to buy some of those car decals of stick figures that represent the family and mine would be pregnant! If this test had been negative, I would of ordered them for the future but I totally couldn't wait that long. It took everything I had to wait until he got home and even then I made him go straight to finding out. Here's what I did:

So, that's how he found out! He was really surprised and really excited (obviously).
We are currently almost 11 weeks along. It has been a terrible and stressful pregnancy for me. I feel awful all the time and sick and constantly hungry. Also, since I have diabetes it is super hard to control my blood sugar. Anyways, this is a sugar high risk pregnancy for many reasons:
1. pregnancy after c-section
2. c-section was T-cut (so any kind of labor is dangerous)
3. At risk for preterm labor/ preterm delivery (girls were born at 23.6 weeks)
4. diabetes

So yeah, thats pretty much the news. I get to monitor my BG all the time because my Dr. wants me to stay between 90-120. Its also hard because i want to eat all the time and that would really mess up the BG I take because it would never be right at the time I take it. So, the only up side to all this is the fact that I will probably get an insulin pump while pregnant. It will help monitor my BG so much better than I can do by myself.

We are very excited for this new baby. I think its a boy, but we'll certainly take a girl. At this point, I don't really wanna be pregnant again because its so hard being high risk and dealing with diabetes/eating. And thats why I want a boy, so then I can have 2 of each and be done!!

That's all folks!

Have you thought about it?

Have you read about preemie babies in the UK? Recently there was an article that called for a board to be established that would determine whether or not a preemie baby had what it takes to survive. And when I say preemie, I'm talking about babies who are born extremely early, as in before 28 weeks. One of the Drs. there said that he didn't like to even try to resuscitate before 24 weeks, but it was up to the parents.

When I read this article, and a few others like it, it broke my heart. If we lived in the UK, my daughters wouldn't of even had the chance to fight for their lives. They were born at 23 weeks and 6 days.

I am not trying to say that every preemie should be kept alive. Sometime, it prolongs the inevitable and they are only put through trials that they don't even have the will to fight. However, I do believe that every baby who has a chance to survive should be given that chance. Who are we to say that they don't deserve to fight for the chance to live, to go home with their parents who love them? Who are we to say their life isn't worth fighting for just because they were born too early?

I am one of the lucky ones. I recognize that every day. There are things only a mother of a preemie goes through. I celebrated when they doubled their birth weight and they were only 2 lbs. I did not have a normal 'preemie in the hospital' experience. This is mainly because my daughter fought the entire time and had very few complications. There are many stories I have read about people who have preemies in the hospital and there are so many more complications that could have happened with my girls but did not.  We were so blessed.

My daughters were born at 1 lb. 5 oz. and 1 lb. 4 oz. I was on hospital bed rest for 9 days before they were born and during that time I was given many drugs to help the babies have a better chance once they were delivered. I was given a shot to help their lungs develop and also magnesium (which is a neurological protector, even though it was given to me to stop labor). It was these drugs that helped my babies be strong enough to survive outside the womb.

It certainly wasn't easy. They were born C-Section and even though they cried when they were born, it was still hours before I got to see them. They were intubated and there were many tubes helping to keep them alive. Those first days were really hard. They had lots of apnea and bradycardic episodes. They were both flown to a different hospital to have a PDA ligation. They were co-bedded after about a month of being in separate incubators. They had weekly eye exams and both had to have laser eye surgery because they developed ROP. There were other minor things that came up, but for the most part they did extremely well in the NICU. They struggled with gaining weight, like any normal preemie. When the time came for them to be ex-tubated, they remained on the Bubble-C pap almost immediately. They continued to come down on their oxygen to the normal C pap, the high flow, then eventually low flow and they came home on very little oxygen. Once home, they were completely off oxygen withint 3 weeks.

These are amazing feats for a micro-preemie. The mere fact that they were off their oxygen in 3 week is amazing. Many preemies born that small are on oxygen for almost a whole year at home.

But what if they weren't allowed to prove to the world what fighters they are? Just because they were born extremely early, should they not have been given the chance to live? Today, they are almost 2 years old. They have a birthday in 2 weeks and 1 day. I am so grateful they are still in my life. They have taught me so much about patience and perseverance.

 

 My girls are 8 months old. (wearing 3 month clothes)

I understand someones reasons to not try to save their preemie's life. But I do not and will not agree to the fact that babies shouldn't be saved based on when they were born!!! There are some babies who are born on time that have more complications than my 24 week preemies did. Were their parents told that they were going to be given a chance?

What are your thoughts? Should preemies not be given a chance just because they had the misfortune of being born too early? Please tell me your thoughts!

An update of sorts

Well, we've been on our own, without family here for over a week now. I'm really missing everyone and all their help with the kids! Ben especially misses his Nana and grandpa and uncles and Aunt. He keeps telling me he wants them to come over for brownies and to play with him.

Well, I'm here to check on my goals and see how I'm doing:

Goal 1: Monitor Blood Glucose
   I've been doing really well at this one. Not prefect, but pretty good!

Goal 2: Work out
   No doing great at this one, I got the stomach flu a few days ago and my stomach is extra sensitive lately. I did try out my new Zumba for wii and it was pretty fun except it didn't really register me on the remote so I have to try and fix it!

Goal 3: Read the Book of Mormon
   I actual found a chart that lists what to read if you want to the the BoM in a year. Its only a few verses - half a chapter (ish) a night, and while that might seem lame, it is actually working really well for me. It keeps me ging every night because I know I have enough time to read a little bit but not too much that I'll say I'll skip it until the next day. It is also getting me in the habit of reading every night, which is why I do it this way. Also, I chose this way because I can read word for word and ponder that few verses without having so much to think about! LOVE IT!

Goal 4: Preschool
   We've already done one at the Library and I'm getting together with another friend this week to start planning what we want to teach!

Goal: Craft Project
  I know what I'm doing this month, so thats worth something, right? I'm gonna make leggings as part of the girls' birthday outfits and also making their initials on canvas with buttons. They're gonna be super cute!!

Well, thats a for tonight, I feel I'm doing pretty good on my goals, something that doesn't always happen. Thanks for all the encouragement!

New Year, New everything

So, its been awhile since I posted. Well, tons has happened. Toby got into grad school, We graduated, we moved, everyone from my side of the family came for Christmas at our new place, we rang in the new year, get to go to a new ward and get used to a new state and city. Phew, that's a lot.

So, now that you're all caught up, I thought I'd write down my goals for this year, just to make myself accountable. And to make sure I have it down somewhere. I usually lose my notebooks or the kids destroy them. So, here they are:

Keep a record of my Blood Glucose Levels (4 Xs a day)
    - I haven't been keeping a record, even though I know I should be. My levels have been so good, that its just annoying. I'm actually keeping this one so far!

Workout at home 3 Xs a week and on campus 1X a week
    - Toby got me Zumba for Wii and Mom got me Just Dance 3, so I have no excuse not to work up a sweat or raise my heart rate a little. I plan on running to doing the elliptical on campus once a week.

Read the Book of Mormon
    - I printed out a pre-made chart to read the Book of Mormon this year. I've kept this one going, too.

Do home and Library preschool with Ben.
    - I'm going to teach Ben at home before he starts Kindergarten next year. We don't have money to put him in a real one, and its not even that necessary. I did find a free class at the Library for his social interaction, even if I am in the same vicinity. I'm very excited for this!

Complete 1 big craft/ home improvement project a month.
    - This month its gonna be either dresses for the girls' or leggings for their birthday party. I'm also gonna attempt pants for Ben. We'll so how that goes!

My last goal is a secret. Lol. I'm sure if you're smart enough, you'll figure it out, but you'll have to wait a long time for this one to be revealed. No, it hasn't already happened, but hopefully soon, it will.