Liam's Special Day

   Its tradition in our church, when new babies are born, we come before the whole congregation and give the baby a blessing and give him an official welcome into the ward. We do not believe in baptizing babies, so it is mainly a prayer over the baby. Moving on,

    It is our tradition to try and have family and friends at the blessing and living in Utah, we have quite a bit of family around, which was really nice. After the meeting where we bless the baby, we have a big luncheon with everyone who came to support us.

   It is also my tradition to make (or have made) something homemade and special for their blessing. With Ben, it was a blessing blanket. A really good friend of mine, Lisa, actually made the girls their blessing dresses and another friend, Katrina, made their white bows. So, for Liam, I decided to make a small blanket and a bowtie. I didn't make the blanket in time, but I did get to the bow tie, so look for it in the pictures!

    I'm going to start this story last night when I started preparing for the luncheon today. I wanted to make this amazing cake called Italian Love Cake. (link)  I tested it last week to test it and it turned out SO good.  I went to make the cake last night because it needs to cool completely then sit in the fridge for a few hours after frosting. The problem was I couldn't find the cake mix. I tried for almost an hour to find it but no luck. At this point, it was almost midnight and the cake had to bake for an hour. I was so tired already, but I ran out to the store and come back and made it.  I made it in a different pan this week and it didn't turn out visually like I would of liked because it didn't layer the way it was supposed to. So after staying up so late and having it not turn out made me very frustrated. So I decided to make snickerdoodle cookies and since we had so much family coming, I made a double batch and it took me almost 3 hours to make it and bake all the cookies. Then we decided to take the cake anyways (GAH! shoot me now).

  We decided to have shredded BBQ chicken sandwiches and I put the chicken in a crock pot last night and the chicken turned out really well. It was so tasty! Everyone really enjoyed it! But this morning when I was checking it and adjusting the heat, I hear Addison in the other room telling Liam to open his mouth and eat something. I come into the room and she's trying to feed him popcorn kernals. I was NOT happy and she got in lots of trouble and got a lecture for it.

I was kinda nervous that Liam would poop all over his blessing outfit because he hadn't pooped in a few days and he had a small blow out last night so I was very worried that it would happen. Luckily it didn't.

The other thing that stressed me out was the fact that all 4 kids needed to be bathed before church. Plus I needed to shower and get ready, in between all the cookies baking. I was literally running around baking cookies, bathing kids, dressing kids, feeding kids, doing the girls' hair, making sure we had everything for the luncheon and for the blessing.

It was a hard, hectic night and morning and I literally did not stop moving until we were sitting in the church. Oh, and the other thing that stressed me out, was the fact that I tried to feed Liam before the meeting but there was some kind of construction in the back of the bldg. and the mother's room was literally locked. I didn't know what to do, so I sat in the foyer and fed him. it was just a crazy morning or events.

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But once the meeting started, Liam was pretty calm until they actually started the blessing. He screamed a few times but other than that, he was pretty calm. It was a beautiful blessing and I am grateful that I married and amazing man who is worthy and able to bless our children. He is such an amazing man.

After the blessing we took some family pictures then headed over my to Uncle's place as our place was much to small to host. We have a fantastic time visiting with family and friends. Here is who came:
Family:
Uncle Rob/ Bonnie
Hannah/ John
Jessie/ Paul Evie, Josie

Friends:
Jennifer, Jule, Jenner Sorenson
Vicki, Ben Matheson, Malcom and Calvin

My cousin chris came to the luncheon afterwards, too. It was a great day and I was able to relax after going for what seemed like 15 straight hours (thats how it feels when I have to wake up at night to feed the babe).

Anyways, thats the crazy, eventful log of our day. We love our family SO SO SO much.

Oh, and the other thing that was awesome, was the my "step"cousin got engaged! Her fiancee is really great, we really like him and are glad he's gonna be part of the family!!

It's hardest because you're gone.

    This week our little baby M. would've been celebrating his first birthday. Should've been. Its still hard when I think of him. I miss him so badly. It's not as if I dwell on my sad emotions but I can still remember the day he was born as if it was yesterday. Sometimes it feels that way. A song will come on the radio and will remind me and I sit there in the car sobbing. Or I see the outfit we had for him and I tear up. Or I will see the small little box in my closet that holds all the precious things we have of him and the little blankets that he was wrapped in.
    Before, I felt like I wouldn't be happy until I had another baby in my arms. Let me tell you, the whole time I was pregnant, I was worried and nervous that something would go wrong. Even as I was in surgery, I thought something would go wrong. Turns out, my nervousness was for nothing, even if it was understandable. I mean, we did have 2 miscarriages before Liam was born.
    I thought for sure that having another baby would fill the hole in my heart. Not true. I mean, I love Liam with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for anyone or anything. But I still miss M. Miss him so bad. Liam did not replace his place in my heart and I feel stupid for thinking that he could've. They are not the same person and they each hold a special place in my heart.
   
    This week is especially hard for me, wondering who our little boy would've been. Would he of looked like Ben and the girls or favor my side of the family like his cousin Hannah? Would he of been a happy baby who slept through the night for me, or been colicky and fussy all the time? Would he favor daddy's arms or mine?
    Its the not knowing, the not being able to hold him or know him... yet. I know we will get the chance to know him and I know he is being looked after until we can hold him again, but its the time until then that is killing me.
    Sometimes, its hurts when people ask how many kids I have. I feel like I should say 5 because I feel as if I'm leaving M. out if I don't yet at the same time, I don't want to share that story or to share M with them. But I do have 5.

   Having Liam has definitely filled my arms and a special place in my heart but he could never replace M. He's been such a blessing, especially because he will be our last. We're almost 100% sure on that front. Each pregnancy has had more and more complications and been harder and harder on me. Its gotten progressively more dangerous with the complications I've had. This last time was pretty hairy so its best if we stop while we're ahead. But holding my little Liam and smelling his newborn smell and nursing him and just begin with him makes me wonder if I can resist having another baby. I do get pretty baby hungry. :)

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