There are somethings that change you in your soul

This blog is a journal of sorts for me, so even though it kills me and breaks my heart every day to think about it, I need to get this down and if you wanna read it, go for it.

In case you didn't know, or didn't read or did care, or what not, despite earlier posts, we will not be having baby # 4 anytime soon. I miscarried at 16 weeks. Lost of people are probably wondering what happened but never ask, which is fine.  I can tell you what happened, but not how I feel about it.
**If you don't wanna read about what actually happened, then feel free to skip this post!

The Friday before Easter I found I was bleeding, just a little bit, but still enough that I called the Dr. because this is what happened to with my pregnancy (miscarried at 8 weeks). We set up an appointment for an ultrasound for a couple hours later. Luckily, my lil bro was around to watch the kid for us.
When the ultrasound started, the tech was concerned with my cervix and placenta because I had a low laying placenta which can cause bleeding, and also because I had problems with early dilation with my girls' pregnancy. We could only see part of the baby because the tech was trying to get a good view of my cervix, but I could tell he was either sleeping or wasn't moving for other reasons. When I commented to the Tech that "he" wasn't moving very much she turned her attention to "him" to find the heartbeat. When she found the heart but it wasn't beating I started crying. She just handed me tissues and kept looking, much to her credit, for almost 10 minutes.
   When we went to talk to the Dr. he recommended that I go into the hospital to deliver the baby because of my possible bleeding complications. So after we went home and informed our families of the news, I took some pills that would make me go into labor. After a few hours I started bleeding more and more and cramping so we went in. I got settled in the room and the nurses were very nice and sympathetic. (They were also amazed when they took my history and learned about our girls' story.) Throughout everything, they were there for us, talking us through everything that would happen and what we would to if certain other things happened. They said that there was a lady who would come in and take pictures for us and take molds of the baby's hand and feet. It was all very sweet.
   Anyways, it started getting late and I was progressing but not super fast. I couldn't relax completely because I really started feeling the cramps but nothing too terribly horrible, just enough to wake me up and make me grimace. I took some pain meds that make me kinda woozey but also make me lose my dinner. The nurse offered to get me an epidural but I really didn't want to do through all that trouble and extra worry, so I just sucked it up. She did give me zophran which helps with nausea but it didn't help because I threw up 2 more times. She gave me morphine a few hours later but it didn't help at all. I don't know what it was, but morphine did nothing for me. It didn't bother me bery much because I could still stand the pain. Around 230a things started getting goingwith me bleeding a ton more and being dilated enough. The Dr. was called and around 315ish our baby was "born." Things got a little complicated because the placenta wasn't delivering. We did know from a previous ultrasound that the placenta had attached to the scar tissue and when that happens, it can attach deeply, "looking for healthy tissue." Anyways, the Dr. spent about half and hour trying different things (which were not pleasant without any kind of pain relief, let me tell you!) After that time, he called the anesthesiologist to prep me for a D&C because it wasn't coming out on it own. They got me in there pretty quick so I wonder if I was bleeding more than usual. Of course, it was the kiddle of the night so no one was doing much else.
   When I came out of the "coma" as I call it, it felt awful and high and just completely out of it, and I hate that feeling. For 3 hours I tried to be able to focus on my surroundings but I couldn't. I could tell that the lady was there documents things for our baby, and I could tell Toby was there, but I couldn't form a coherent sentence. Here are some things I said (from Toby):
1. to the Dr. "So, there's not actually two of you?" (because I was seeing double
2. When I close my eyes, I see a meat factory (hallucinations)
3. I want these drugs for my kids. (Toby, freaking out a little at that one, because I said it to a nurse)
4. When asked why I wanted to give it to my kids, "So they'll sleep."

Seriously, every time I closed my eyes, I felt like I was somewhere else. I didn't sleep at all during those 3 hours because I was trying to hard to wake up.

The baby that we would of had was a boy. I knew it even before they told us, I just knew it. I hope we have another boy because I really feel like we're supposed to have another son. While I was in surgery, Toby was able to hold the baby and bond with him for a few hours. (Just to clarify, the baby was not living, not that you didn't know that from the ultrasound results, but still)

Later that morning I was able to hold our baby boy. We opted not to name him.

The Dr. came in a little later and said that I lost a bit of blood and they wanted to keep me around a little bit longer to check my levels after a few hours. This is probably because the first time I tried to get up to go to the bathroom I almost passed out. Toby AND the nurse had to catch me and help me back to bed. They said my blood count was 22 when they like it to be at a 40 but still didn't feel like I needed a transfusion, I just needed to drink tons of water, take it easy (yeah right), and take some iron pills.

Luckily, my brother was around to help with things especially staying all night with out kids, and my cousin and a few friends who made us dinner. My momma came out the next week to help out and be there for me, which was invaluable. My dad was also there for me through phone, email and oovoo. I'm so grateful for a wonderful extended family who all wrote emails or calls to make sure we were ok.
Also, Toby words can not express how amazing he was amazing through it all; being at the ultrasound with me, and in the hospital. Words can not express how grateful I am for my family who help with everything.

I know this post doesn't have tons of emotion, I just can't talk about how traumatizing and devestating this has been. I just want to be able to look back on this after awhile (preferably holding a new baby) and not having terrible thoughts and feelings.

Thanks for all prayers, comments of love and sympathy and encouragement. They mean the world to me.