a very emotional few weeks

Yes, that right. Its been an emotional few weeks. Wanna hear about it? Well, keep reading.

So, a few weeks ago, after Toby cam home from a field trip/ conference, he brought home a bug or sorts. He was sick and the kids were just getting over sick and it turns out it was my turn to get sick. I got a wickedly bad ear infection that kept me up a few nights in a row in terrible pain.

Then, a funny thing happened. I started getting nauseous.  Sometime it was 'i'm gonna throw up' nauseous, other times it was just annoying, smoldering nausea. Sound familiar? Well, it did to me too.

I felt this nausea for a few weeks, and that was part of the reason that we thought I was pregnant. My babies are only 16 month old and it was a very stressful pregnancy, c-section, recovery, etc. Imagine how hard this pregnancy would be for me. This is one of the main reasons that we are not trying to get pregnant right now.

However, it has not stopped me from wanting another baby. Its been hard to tell myself that its not good for me right now and that i could be potentially fatal for me or the baby or both.

Then, when we were almost sure we were pregnant, we talked through everything that we needed to, just in case. We talked about how we would go about moving, beggin a new car, where to put the baby, if it would be a boy or girls, etc.

Imagine my dismay when, after 2 weeks, we found we were not pregnant. It was a very hard thing for me to process because we had everything planned out. It was going to work, I was going to be fine and we'd have another little baby. It was going to be a little boy that Ben could play and wrestle with, of course. Everything had already played out in my mind and I could almost smell the sweet little newborn that I would get to take home after a few days. heartbreaking.

I know we will have more children. Some think we are irresponsible for wanting more after what happened with the girls, but we know that we will have more. Maybe soon, maybe not. Who knows? certain not me. I'm not getting my hopes up anymore because it hurts too much when your dreams are snatched out of your hands.

I'm not upset anymore, just a little sad. All will be well.