This blog is a journal of sorts for me, so even though it kills me and breaks my heart every day to think about it, I need to get this down and if you wanna read it, go for it.
In case you didn't know, or didn't read or did care, or what not, despite earlier posts, we will not be having baby # 4 anytime soon. I miscarried at 16 weeks. Lost of people are probably wondering what happened but never ask, which is fine. I can tell you what happened, but not how I feel about it.
**If you don't wanna read about what actually happened, then feel free to skip this post!
The Friday before Easter I found I was bleeding, just a little bit, but still enough that I called the Dr. because this is what happened to with my pregnancy (miscarried at 8 weeks). We set up an appointment for an ultrasound for a couple hours later. Luckily, my lil bro was around to watch the kid for us.
When the ultrasound started, the tech was concerned with my cervix and placenta because I had a low laying placenta which can cause bleeding, and also because I had problems with early dilation with my girls' pregnancy. We could only see part of the baby because the tech was trying to get a good view of my cervix, but I could tell he was either sleeping or wasn't moving for other reasons. When I commented to the Tech that "he" wasn't moving very much she turned her attention to "him" to find the heartbeat. When she found the heart but it wasn't beating I started crying. She just handed me tissues and kept looking, much to her credit, for almost 10 minutes.
When we went to talk to the Dr. he recommended that I go into the hospital to deliver the baby because of my possible bleeding complications. So after we went home and informed our families of the news, I took some pills that would make me go into labor. After a few hours I started bleeding more and more and cramping so we went in. I got settled in the room and the nurses were very nice and sympathetic. (They were also amazed when they took my history and learned about our girls' story.) Throughout everything, they were there for us, talking us through everything that would happen and what we would to if certain other things happened. They said that there was a lady who would come in and take pictures for us and take molds of the baby's hand and feet. It was all very sweet.
Anyways, it started getting late and I was progressing but not super fast. I couldn't relax completely because I really started feeling the cramps but nothing too terribly horrible, just enough to wake me up and make me grimace. I took some pain meds that make me kinda woozey but also make me lose my dinner. The nurse offered to get me an epidural but I really didn't want to do through all that trouble and extra worry, so I just sucked it up. She did give me zophran which helps with nausea but it didn't help because I threw up 2 more times. She gave me morphine a few hours later but it didn't help at all. I don't know what it was, but morphine did nothing for me. It didn't bother me bery much because I could still stand the pain. Around 230a things started getting goingwith me bleeding a ton more and being dilated enough. The Dr. was called and around 315ish our baby was "born." Things got a little complicated because the placenta wasn't delivering. We did know from a previous ultrasound that the placenta had attached to the scar tissue and when that happens, it can attach deeply, "looking for healthy tissue." Anyways, the Dr. spent about half and hour trying different things (which were not pleasant without any kind of pain relief, let me tell you!) After that time, he called the anesthesiologist to prep me for a D&C because it wasn't coming out on it own. They got me in there pretty quick so I wonder if I was bleeding more than usual. Of course, it was the kiddle of the night so no one was doing much else.
When I came out of the "coma" as I call it, it felt awful and high and just completely out of it, and I hate that feeling. For 3 hours I tried to be able to focus on my surroundings but I couldn't. I could tell that the lady was there documents things for our baby, and I could tell Toby was there, but I couldn't form a coherent sentence. Here are some things I said (from Toby):
1. to the Dr. "So, there's not actually two of you?" (because I was seeing double
2. When I close my eyes, I see a meat factory (hallucinations)
3. I want these drugs for my kids. (Toby, freaking out a little at that one, because I said it to a nurse)
4. When asked why I wanted to give it to my kids, "So they'll sleep."
Seriously, every time I closed my eyes, I felt like I was somewhere else. I didn't sleep at all during those 3 hours because I was trying to hard to wake up.
The baby that we would of had was a boy. I knew it even before they told us, I just knew it. I hope we have another boy because I really feel like we're supposed to have another son. While I was in surgery, Toby was able to hold the baby and bond with him for a few hours. (Just to clarify, the baby was not living, not that you didn't know that from the ultrasound results, but still)
Later that morning I was able to hold our baby boy. We opted not to name him.
The Dr. came in a little later and said that I lost a bit of blood and they wanted to keep me around a little bit longer to check my levels after a few hours. This is probably because the first time I tried to get up to go to the bathroom I almost passed out. Toby AND the nurse had to catch me and help me back to bed. They said my blood count was 22 when they like it to be at a 40 but still didn't feel like I needed a transfusion, I just needed to drink tons of water, take it easy (yeah right), and take some iron pills.
Luckily, my brother was around to help with things especially staying all night with out kids, and my cousin and a few friends who made us dinner. My momma came out the next week to help out and be there for me, which was invaluable. My dad was also there for me through phone, email and oovoo. I'm so grateful for a wonderful extended family who all wrote emails or calls to make sure we were ok.
Also, Toby words can not express how amazing he was amazing through it all; being at the ultrasound with me, and in the hospital. Words can not express how grateful I am for my family who help with everything.
I know this post doesn't have tons of emotion, I just can't talk about how traumatizing and devestating this has been. I just want to be able to look back on this after awhile (preferably holding a new baby) and not having terrible thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for all prayers, comments of love and sympathy and encouragement. They mean the world to me.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Baby # 4, not 4 and 5!!
That right! We're pregnant with baby # 4. Not 4 and 5, mind you. That would be much much too crazy for me. So, I decided to not tell Toby that I was taking a test, because I think he's been the first to know with all the others because I'm too chicken to check it myself and be sad when its a negative. ANYWAYS, I found out alone, which was fine, but I wanted to show Toby in a special way. My first thought was to buy some of those car decals of stick figures that represent the family and mine would be pregnant! If this test had been negative, I would of ordered them for the future but I totally couldn't wait that long. It took everything I had to wait until he got home and even then I made him go straight to finding out. Here's what I did:
So, that's how he found out! He was really surprised and really excited (obviously).
We are currently almost 11 weeks along. It has been a terrible and stressful pregnancy for me. I feel awful all the time and sick and constantly hungry. Also, since I have diabetes it is super hard to control my blood sugar. Anyways, this is a sugar high risk pregnancy for many reasons:
1. pregnancy after c-section
2. c-section was T-cut (so any kind of labor is dangerous)
3. At risk for preterm labor/ preterm delivery (girls were born at 23.6 weeks)
4. diabetes
So yeah, thats pretty much the news. I get to monitor my BG all the time because my Dr. wants me to stay between 90-120. Its also hard because i want to eat all the time and that would really mess up the BG I take because it would never be right at the time I take it. So, the only up side to all this is the fact that I will probably get an insulin pump while pregnant. It will help monitor my BG so much better than I can do by myself.
We are very excited for this new baby. I think its a boy, but we'll certainly take a girl. At this point, I don't really wanna be pregnant again because its so hard being high risk and dealing with diabetes/eating. And thats why I want a boy, so then I can have 2 of each and be done!!
That's all folks!
We are currently almost 11 weeks along. It has been a terrible and stressful pregnancy for me. I feel awful all the time and sick and constantly hungry. Also, since I have diabetes it is super hard to control my blood sugar. Anyways, this is a sugar high risk pregnancy for many reasons:
1. pregnancy after c-section
2. c-section was T-cut (so any kind of labor is dangerous)
3. At risk for preterm labor/ preterm delivery (girls were born at 23.6 weeks)
4. diabetes
So yeah, thats pretty much the news. I get to monitor my BG all the time because my Dr. wants me to stay between 90-120. Its also hard because i want to eat all the time and that would really mess up the BG I take because it would never be right at the time I take it. So, the only up side to all this is the fact that I will probably get an insulin pump while pregnant. It will help monitor my BG so much better than I can do by myself.
We are very excited for this new baby. I think its a boy, but we'll certainly take a girl. At this point, I don't really wanna be pregnant again because its so hard being high risk and dealing with diabetes/eating. And thats why I want a boy, so then I can have 2 of each and be done!!
That's all folks!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Have you thought about it?
Have you read about preemie babies in the UK? Recently there was an article that called for a board to be established that would determine whether or not a preemie baby had what it takes to survive. And when I say preemie, I'm talking about babies who are born extremely early, as in before 28 weeks. One of the Drs. there said that he didn't like to even try to resuscitate before 24 weeks, but it was up to the parents.
When I read this article, and a few others like it, it broke my heart. If we lived in the UK, my daughters wouldn't of even had the chance to fight for their lives. They were born at 23 weeks and 6 days.
I am not trying to say that every preemie should be kept alive. Sometime, it prolongs the inevitable and they are only put through trials that they don't even have the will to fight. However, I do believe that every baby who has a chance to survive should be given that chance. Who are we to say that they don't deserve to fight for the chance to live, to go home with their parents who love them? Who are we to say their life isn't worth fighting for just because they were born too early?
I am one of the lucky ones. I recognize that every day. There are things only a mother of a preemie goes through. I celebrated when they doubled their birth weight and they were only 2 lbs. I did not have a normal 'preemie in the hospital' experience. This is mainly because my daughter fought the entire time and had very few complications. There are many stories I have read about people who have preemies in the hospital and there are so many more complications that could have happened with my girls but did not. We were so blessed.
My daughters were born at 1 lb. 5 oz. and 1 lb. 4 oz. I was on hospital bed rest for 9 days before they were born and during that time I was given many drugs to help the babies have a better chance once they were delivered. I was given a shot to help their lungs develop and also magnesium (which is a neurological protector, even though it was given to me to stop labor). It was these drugs that helped my babies be strong enough to survive outside the womb.
It certainly wasn't easy. They were born C-Section and even though they cried when they were born, it was still hours before I got to see them. They were intubated and there were many tubes helping to keep them alive. Those first days were really hard. They had lots of apnea and bradycardic episodes. They were both flown to a different hospital to have a PDA ligation. They were co-bedded after about a month of being in separate incubators. They had weekly eye exams and both had to have laser eye surgery because they developed ROP. There were other minor things that came up, but for the most part they did extremely well in the NICU. They struggled with gaining weight, like any normal preemie. When the time came for them to be ex-tubated, they remained on the Bubble-C pap almost immediately. They continued to come down on their oxygen to the normal C pap, the high flow, then eventually low flow and they came home on very little oxygen. Once home, they were completely off oxygen withint 3 weeks.
These are amazing feats for a micro-preemie. The mere fact that they were off their oxygen in 3 week is amazing. Many preemies born that small are on oxygen for almost a whole year at home.
But what if they weren't allowed to prove to the world what fighters they are? Just because they were born extremely early, should they not have been given the chance to live? Today, they are almost 2 years old. They have a birthday in 2 weeks and 1 day. I am so grateful they are still in my life. They have taught me so much about patience and perseverance.
I understand someones reasons to not try to save their preemie's life. But I do not and will not agree to the fact that babies shouldn't be saved based on when they were born!!! There are some babies who are born on time that have more complications than my 24 week preemies did. Were their parents told that they were going to be given a chance?
What are your thoughts? Should preemies not be given a chance just because they had the misfortune of being born too early? Please tell me your thoughts!
When I read this article, and a few others like it, it broke my heart. If we lived in the UK, my daughters wouldn't of even had the chance to fight for their lives. They were born at 23 weeks and 6 days.
I am not trying to say that every preemie should be kept alive. Sometime, it prolongs the inevitable and they are only put through trials that they don't even have the will to fight. However, I do believe that every baby who has a chance to survive should be given that chance. Who are we to say that they don't deserve to fight for the chance to live, to go home with their parents who love them? Who are we to say their life isn't worth fighting for just because they were born too early?
I am one of the lucky ones. I recognize that every day. There are things only a mother of a preemie goes through. I celebrated when they doubled their birth weight and they were only 2 lbs. I did not have a normal 'preemie in the hospital' experience. This is mainly because my daughter fought the entire time and had very few complications. There are many stories I have read about people who have preemies in the hospital and there are so many more complications that could have happened with my girls but did not. We were so blessed.
My daughters were born at 1 lb. 5 oz. and 1 lb. 4 oz. I was on hospital bed rest for 9 days before they were born and during that time I was given many drugs to help the babies have a better chance once they were delivered. I was given a shot to help their lungs develop and also magnesium (which is a neurological protector, even though it was given to me to stop labor). It was these drugs that helped my babies be strong enough to survive outside the womb.
It certainly wasn't easy. They were born C-Section and even though they cried when they were born, it was still hours before I got to see them. They were intubated and there were many tubes helping to keep them alive. Those first days were really hard. They had lots of apnea and bradycardic episodes. They were both flown to a different hospital to have a PDA ligation. They were co-bedded after about a month of being in separate incubators. They had weekly eye exams and both had to have laser eye surgery because they developed ROP. There were other minor things that came up, but for the most part they did extremely well in the NICU. They struggled with gaining weight, like any normal preemie. When the time came for them to be ex-tubated, they remained on the Bubble-C pap almost immediately. They continued to come down on their oxygen to the normal C pap, the high flow, then eventually low flow and they came home on very little oxygen. Once home, they were completely off oxygen withint 3 weeks.
These are amazing feats for a micro-preemie. The mere fact that they were off their oxygen in 3 week is amazing. Many preemies born that small are on oxygen for almost a whole year at home.
But what if they weren't allowed to prove to the world what fighters they are? Just because they were born extremely early, should they not have been given the chance to live? Today, they are almost 2 years old. They have a birthday in 2 weeks and 1 day. I am so grateful they are still in my life. They have taught me so much about patience and perseverance.
My girls are 8 months old. (wearing 3 month clothes)
I understand someones reasons to not try to save their preemie's life. But I do not and will not agree to the fact that babies shouldn't be saved based on when they were born!!! There are some babies who are born on time that have more complications than my 24 week preemies did. Were their parents told that they were going to be given a chance?
What are your thoughts? Should preemies not be given a chance just because they had the misfortune of being born too early? Please tell me your thoughts!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
An update of sorts
Well, we've been on our own, without family here for over a week now. I'm really missing everyone and all their help with the kids! Ben especially misses his Nana and grandpa and uncles and Aunt. He keeps telling me he wants them to come over for brownies and to play with him.
Well, I'm here to check on my goals and see how I'm doing:
Goal 1: Monitor Blood Glucose
I've been doing really well at this one. Not prefect, but pretty good!
Goal 2: Work out
No doing great at this one, I got the stomach flu a few days ago and my stomach is extra sensitive lately. I did try out my new Zumba for wii and it was pretty fun except it didn't really register me on the remote so I have to try and fix it!
Goal 3: Read the Book of Mormon
I actual found a chart that lists what to read if you want to the the BoM in a year. Its only a few verses - half a chapter (ish) a night, and while that might seem lame, it is actually working really well for me. It keeps me ging every night because I know I have enough time to read a little bit but not too much that I'll say I'll skip it until the next day. It is also getting me in the habit of reading every night, which is why I do it this way. Also, I chose this way because I can read word for word and ponder that few verses without having so much to think about! LOVE IT!
Goal 4: Preschool
We've already done one at the Library and I'm getting together with another friend this week to start planning what we want to teach!
Goal: Craft Project
I know what I'm doing this month, so thats worth something, right? I'm gonna make leggings as part of the girls' birthday outfits and also making their initials on canvas with buttons. They're gonna be super cute!!
Well, thats a for tonight, I feel I'm doing pretty good on my goals, something that doesn't always happen. Thanks for all the encouragement!
Well, I'm here to check on my goals and see how I'm doing:
Goal 1: Monitor Blood Glucose
I've been doing really well at this one. Not prefect, but pretty good!
Goal 2: Work out
No doing great at this one, I got the stomach flu a few days ago and my stomach is extra sensitive lately. I did try out my new Zumba for wii and it was pretty fun except it didn't really register me on the remote so I have to try and fix it!
Goal 3: Read the Book of Mormon
I actual found a chart that lists what to read if you want to the the BoM in a year. Its only a few verses - half a chapter (ish) a night, and while that might seem lame, it is actually working really well for me. It keeps me ging every night because I know I have enough time to read a little bit but not too much that I'll say I'll skip it until the next day. It is also getting me in the habit of reading every night, which is why I do it this way. Also, I chose this way because I can read word for word and ponder that few verses without having so much to think about! LOVE IT!
Goal 4: Preschool
We've already done one at the Library and I'm getting together with another friend this week to start planning what we want to teach!
Goal: Craft Project
I know what I'm doing this month, so thats worth something, right? I'm gonna make leggings as part of the girls' birthday outfits and also making their initials on canvas with buttons. They're gonna be super cute!!
Well, thats a for tonight, I feel I'm doing pretty good on my goals, something that doesn't always happen. Thanks for all the encouragement!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Year, New everything
So, its been awhile since I posted. Well, tons has happened. Toby got into grad school, We graduated, we moved, everyone from my side of the family came for Christmas at our new place, we rang in the new year, get to go to a new ward and get used to a new state and city. Phew, that's a lot.
So, now that you're all caught up, I thought I'd write down my goals for this year, just to make myself accountable. And to make sure I have it down somewhere. I usually lose my notebooks or the kids destroy them. So, here they are:
Keep a record of my Blood Glucose Levels (4 Xs a day)
- I haven't been keeping a record, even though I know I should be. My levels have been so good, that its just annoying. I'm actually keeping this one so far!
Workout at home 3 Xs a week and on campus 1X a week
- Toby got me Zumba for Wii and Mom got me Just Dance 3, so I have no excuse not to work up a sweat or raise my heart rate a little. I plan on running to doing the elliptical on campus once a week.
Read the Book of Mormon
- I printed out a pre-made chart to read the Book of Mormon this year. I've kept this one going, too.
Do home and Library preschool with Ben.
- I'm going to teach Ben at home before he starts Kindergarten next year. We don't have money to put him in a real one, and its not even that necessary. I did find a free class at the Library for his social interaction, even if I am in the same vicinity. I'm very excited for this!
Complete 1 big craft/ home improvement project a month.
- This month its gonna be either dresses for the girls' or leggings for their birthday party. I'm also gonna attempt pants for Ben. We'll so how that goes!
My last goal is a secret. Lol. I'm sure if you're smart enough, you'll figure it out, but you'll have to wait a long time for this one to be revealed. No, it hasn't already happened, but hopefully soon, it will.
So, now that you're all caught up, I thought I'd write down my goals for this year, just to make myself accountable. And to make sure I have it down somewhere. I usually lose my notebooks or the kids destroy them. So, here they are:
Keep a record of my Blood Glucose Levels (4 Xs a day)
- I haven't been keeping a record, even though I know I should be. My levels have been so good, that its just annoying. I'm actually keeping this one so far!
Workout at home 3 Xs a week and on campus 1X a week
- Toby got me Zumba for Wii and Mom got me Just Dance 3, so I have no excuse not to work up a sweat or raise my heart rate a little. I plan on running to doing the elliptical on campus once a week.
Read the Book of Mormon
- I printed out a pre-made chart to read the Book of Mormon this year. I've kept this one going, too.
Do home and Library preschool with Ben.
- I'm going to teach Ben at home before he starts Kindergarten next year. We don't have money to put him in a real one, and its not even that necessary. I did find a free class at the Library for his social interaction, even if I am in the same vicinity. I'm very excited for this!
Complete 1 big craft/ home improvement project a month.
- This month its gonna be either dresses for the girls' or leggings for their birthday party. I'm also gonna attempt pants for Ben. We'll so how that goes!
My last goal is a secret. Lol. I'm sure if you're smart enough, you'll figure it out, but you'll have to wait a long time for this one to be revealed. No, it hasn't already happened, but hopefully soon, it will.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Quilting is sew NOT fun!!
So, i'm sure you've heard, but I bought these cuddle soft/ minky quilt kits to make for the girls. And i bought them last year. How sad. I literally started making them last week. You make it using the "sew and flip" method, which meant nothing to me until I saw a video of it on youtube. Anyways, I finally started and got everthing ready to sew... and nothing. I couldn't do it on my machine. It was too think. I had the backing, the batting, plus two strips trying to be sewn through. Well, I basically gave up on them and was ready to throw the whole thing away.
Then, my friend Audrey (who make/sell paci-catchers, check out her site at www.paci-catchers.com No, I was not told or paid to say that), anyways, she's amazing! She told me to bring over my machine and we'd figure it out together. Well, long story short, it didn't work on my machine. Something about not having a walking foot that make it easier to quilt. So, I used her machine. It went so smoothly that I finished a half of one quilt in one afternoon! Plus it will take me even less time on the rest because I actually know what I'm doing and can get started right away!
these are gonna look so good, here are the pictures of the first quilt, half way finished!
Then, my friend Audrey (who make/sell paci-catchers, check out her site at www.paci-catchers.com No, I was not told or paid to say that), anyways, she's amazing! She told me to bring over my machine and we'd figure it out together. Well, long story short, it didn't work on my machine. Something about not having a walking foot that make it easier to quilt. So, I used her machine. It went so smoothly that I finished a half of one quilt in one afternoon! Plus it will take me even less time on the rest because I actually know what I'm doing and can get started right away!
these are gonna look so good, here are the pictures of the first quilt, half way finished!
finished side plus a little of the backing
Its sewn through both sides
You can see the lines where I sewed through!
Isn't this just the cutest fabric ever? The other one is just as cute!!
Thankful catch-Up Post
Sorry, I promise to be better about this!!
Day 14: Today I'm thankful for a good friend who had graciously offered to show me how to use my sewing machine to sew the girls' cuddle soft blankets!
Day 13: These past few days 5 friends have told me that they are pregnant! I'm very happy for all of them and grateful for all the little babies that will be born next year! I love babies!
Day 12: I'm grateful for the sound of my children's laughter! They have their moments, but most of the time they love playing the teasing each other!
Day 11: I am so very thankful that I opened my inbox today and received an email saying that our application to our top choice of apartments was available again!! Their other applicants fell through and it was ours! Its a awesome furnished, 4 bedroom place that is close to campus! So very thankful!
Day 10: I'm thankful for my little brother, Dave who asked me to take pictures of him in his cadet uniform! They turned out so great, and it was a real confidence booster! (check out my post below this one, there is something for you to do, if you want!)
Day 9: I'm thankful for food today! I love love love food, and being a diabetic its sometimes hard to stop eating when things taste so good, but you know they will raise your blood sugars too high. I'm learning self control. Anyways, food rocks!
Day 14: Today I'm thankful for a good friend who had graciously offered to show me how to use my sewing machine to sew the girls' cuddle soft blankets!
Day 13: These past few days 5 friends have told me that they are pregnant! I'm very happy for all of them and grateful for all the little babies that will be born next year! I love babies!
Day 12: I'm grateful for the sound of my children's laughter! They have their moments, but most of the time they love playing the teasing each other!
Day 11: I am so very thankful that I opened my inbox today and received an email saying that our application to our top choice of apartments was available again!! Their other applicants fell through and it was ours! Its a awesome furnished, 4 bedroom place that is close to campus! So very thankful!
Day 10: I'm thankful for my little brother, Dave who asked me to take pictures of him in his cadet uniform! They turned out so great, and it was a real confidence booster! (check out my post below this one, there is something for you to do, if you want!)
Day 9: I'm thankful for food today! I love love love food, and being a diabetic its sometimes hard to stop eating when things taste so good, but you know they will raise your blood sugars too high. I'm learning self control. Anyways, food rocks!
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