Yesterday I was minding my own business while I was sitting in Peyton's room. Unfortunately I got roped into talking to a "Patient Care Coordinator" who wanted to talk to me about postpartum depression. Or rather tell me how its a miracle that I'm still walking. Confused? let me enlighten you! She kept talking to me about why i am at risk for PPD. Let me tell you all the reasons that I should apparently be in bed staring at the wall, crying my eyes out:
1. I had extremely early preemies
2. My babies are in the NICU
3. I was on bedrest
4. I had a c-section
5. family history of bi-polar/ depression
6. had twins
7. separated from family
8. had my babies in january (so no sun)
9. babies had to have surgery
10. the c-section that i had will prevent me from ever delivering vaginal again.
So, can you see why the "PCC" was amazed that I'm still able to function? well, let me tell you, it kinda pissed me off, if you couldn't tell already. She kept going on and on about how it was ok to cry, and especially to let out my feeling of anger, grief, fear, etc. Ok, Ok, lady, i hear what you're saying but can we please stop talking about what to do after we already decided that I don't have any of the symptoms! I mean holy freaking crap, get over it!! Not that i'm saying that anyone who does have it is crazy or weird or should be ashamed but not everyone get it, no matter how bad thing get. And things keep piling up, ok? Ben is getting sick, my mom is running ragged taking care of my kid, my husband is trying to get caught back up with his school work and I'm trying not to run myself into the ground while still taking care of my baby girls while not getting sick, and still recovering from a major c-section.
But thanks, i'm doing good. I didn't say great, but good. I've been strengthen through all of this and have not been able to do this by myself. The Lord has been a great strength to me, not to mention, the one i lean on when i feel alone. But I am not alone in this. Toby is also a great strength to me! Without him I would be lost, and I am not. he is my other half and I olove him so incredibly much! Ben is my other joy. He is such a perfect baby and I love him so much!! he was given to me at this time to help and be a source of joy. My mother is making sure that he is doing well while I am gone and Toby is in school. Its hard, but hey, we already agreed to these trials, right? I tell myself that every night and every time I start to feel sorry for myself....
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
....And it will surprise you what the Lord has done!!!
I literally can not go another day without writing down all that we have been blessed with through this trial. I remember that jut a few weeks ago in Sunday School, that I made the comment that "we agreed to the trials that we go through on this earth." I honestly do believe that with all my heart. I believe that we aren't placed in certain circumstances by accident, and that we are in control of our lives by the Lord's hand. So, if I truly believe that, then I must know that I agreed to this trial, that my husband agreed to this trial, and that these two beautiful girl, came to this earth knowing the struggles and hardships that would be place and their tiny, too fragile bodies. Knowing this brings me so much peace and comfort. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments of fear, but reminding myself that the lives of these two little angels resting in the hand's of God calms my fears and reminds me of what truths I have been given to know.
First of all, and update on the girls would probably be appropriate:
Peyton, had her heart surgery today, February 8, 2010 at approx. 6p. The anesthesiologist and the surgeon came and told me that everything went well. She was a very brave soul and there were no complications during the surgery. She is very stable and even her O2 levels have gotten better since the surgery. She has had a fight on her hands that past couple of weeks and the Dr.s and nurses have tried to close the valve in her heart without surgery. Unfortunately it just needed to happen, sooner rather than later. Toby and I both felt that this was right, for her to come to Boise and have the surgery. She will do so much better now that the valve isn't complicating her growth and progress. She hasn't started on breastmilk yet, but hopefully when we get back to EIRMC (Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center) in Idaho Falls, and doing better then they will start her on "feeds". Also another milestone (for me) was that the nurse here at St. Luke's let me touch Peyton without gloves. We had to wear gloves in because they were so little and their skin was so fragile. We still can only hold a hand or foot because any rubbing hurts them and feels likte hard scratching on their sensitive skin.
Addison is doing so well, it makes me want to cry, and I often do, lately. She was ex-tubated, meaning the tube that was put down her throat to breath for her was removed and she was put on what is called a Bubble CPAP. She is basically breathing on her own, but the bubble CPAP forces wet O2 down her nose to help keep pressure on her lungs to stay open. The nurses in the NICU all made bets on when she would have to be intubated again, because it is common for preemie babies to go back and forth between the Bubble CPAP and being intubated. I think the nurse with the highest bet was about 8 hrs. Addison has been on the Bubble CPAP for over 3 days now, with no complications!! Everyone is amazed that a baby born at 23.6 weeks is already doing so well on Bubble CPAP! Addison is already eating, with a minor set back. on about day 5 of "feeds" she started spitting up green gunk with a tinge of blood, so they took her off feeds for a day. They started they back up again yesterday, and she is already up to 2 cc of milk every 3 hrs. Before, it was only 1 mL. Her heart valve (aka PDA) closed with the medicine and that is probably the reason she is doing better than Peyton right now, however, we are extremely hopefully that Peyton's progress will steadily get better.
Blessings, Blessings, Blessings:
There are so many things we feel the need to be grateful for, that i might miss some. I promise to follow up with more posts as i remember things to be grateful for!
1. It was actually a blessing that i started bleeding when I did. We found out that I might have actually been in labor or at least having contractions for awhile before we went to the Dr. When I started bleeding and the Dr. couldn't figure out why, but i was put on bed rest, it was a blessing to have that extra week for the girls! When I started really bleeding the second time (the night before they were born), and we decided on the c-section, it saved Peyton's life. We are extremely grateful for the intuitivness and care of smart Drs.
2. We are grateful that we were transfered to EIRMC when we were because i started bleeding that night and the girls were born the next day. I might have had to be Medivaced by helicopter if we hadn't.
3. On that note, we are VERY grateful that my mom flew in the very night before I was transfered. She was able to give Ben stability whileI was in the hopsital and Toby had to be in school. Thanks to mom for coming, and thanks to dad for being willing to have her be here with us. Thanks to all other family and friends who came to visit and show their support.
4. We are grateful for our healthy sized tax return that will pay for all the gas that we use going back and forth to IF daily.
5. The Drs. that are taking care of our girls are some of the best in the country. This hospital holds the country record for taking care of the smallest baby ever born in the US and coming through very well.
6. Even though its a huge thrial to be apart, we are grateful that peyton had her surgery. She was not doing well with the valve stilll open. Now that she's had her surgery, we can concentrate on her getting better!!
7. I'm grateful that when my girls DO come home, i will be completely healed and rested and able to take care of them the best that I can.
8. Even though I would have rather staed pregnant at least a LITTLE bit longer... lol , we are being blessed by recieving disability from SS because the girls are so small. The money can be used to buy things for the girls, but when they come home and they might need some outpatient care, that is what the money will be used for. Plus gas!!
9. I am grateful for the love and support of the greatest husband ever!! He has been by my side through all of this. He stays close to the spirit to feel the promptings related to our girls. He is a worth preisthood holder who was able to give Peyton a blessing on saturday. he works so hard at school even though he is stressed and worried about the girls and even me and Ben.
10. We are grateful for all the nurses who sit next to Addy and Peytee (as Ben calls them) 24/7 and keep them feeling and doing well. We are grateful for the amazing progress that Addison has made and that Peyton is doing well now.
There are many more things that I am grateful for, but i can't list everything at the same time because my braing gets muddled. Our girls are now 11 days old and doing very well. We still feel that they will be able to grow and develop enough to be able to come home and be our beautiful, happy, special little angels.
But most of all, we are grateful for the the promises from the Lord that he will watch over our little girls and give us the strength to see these little girls through. as i said before, my spirit knew this would happen and I do feel as if i was prepared, spiritually at least. I love my little gierls and wouldn't change anything.
First of all, and update on the girls would probably be appropriate:
Peyton, had her heart surgery today, February 8, 2010 at approx. 6p. The anesthesiologist and the surgeon came and told me that everything went well. She was a very brave soul and there were no complications during the surgery. She is very stable and even her O2 levels have gotten better since the surgery. She has had a fight on her hands that past couple of weeks and the Dr.s and nurses have tried to close the valve in her heart without surgery. Unfortunately it just needed to happen, sooner rather than later. Toby and I both felt that this was right, for her to come to Boise and have the surgery. She will do so much better now that the valve isn't complicating her growth and progress. She hasn't started on breastmilk yet, but hopefully when we get back to EIRMC (Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center) in Idaho Falls, and doing better then they will start her on "feeds". Also another milestone (for me) was that the nurse here at St. Luke's let me touch Peyton without gloves. We had to wear gloves in because they were so little and their skin was so fragile. We still can only hold a hand or foot because any rubbing hurts them and feels likte hard scratching on their sensitive skin.
Addison is doing so well, it makes me want to cry, and I often do, lately. She was ex-tubated, meaning the tube that was put down her throat to breath for her was removed and she was put on what is called a Bubble CPAP. She is basically breathing on her own, but the bubble CPAP forces wet O2 down her nose to help keep pressure on her lungs to stay open. The nurses in the NICU all made bets on when she would have to be intubated again, because it is common for preemie babies to go back and forth between the Bubble CPAP and being intubated. I think the nurse with the highest bet was about 8 hrs. Addison has been on the Bubble CPAP for over 3 days now, with no complications!! Everyone is amazed that a baby born at 23.6 weeks is already doing so well on Bubble CPAP! Addison is already eating, with a minor set back. on about day 5 of "feeds" she started spitting up green gunk with a tinge of blood, so they took her off feeds for a day. They started they back up again yesterday, and she is already up to 2 cc of milk every 3 hrs. Before, it was only 1 mL. Her heart valve (aka PDA) closed with the medicine and that is probably the reason she is doing better than Peyton right now, however, we are extremely hopefully that Peyton's progress will steadily get better.
Blessings, Blessings, Blessings:
There are so many things we feel the need to be grateful for, that i might miss some. I promise to follow up with more posts as i remember things to be grateful for!
1. It was actually a blessing that i started bleeding when I did. We found out that I might have actually been in labor or at least having contractions for awhile before we went to the Dr. When I started bleeding and the Dr. couldn't figure out why, but i was put on bed rest, it was a blessing to have that extra week for the girls! When I started really bleeding the second time (the night before they were born), and we decided on the c-section, it saved Peyton's life. We are extremely grateful for the intuitivness and care of smart Drs.
2. We are grateful that we were transfered to EIRMC when we were because i started bleeding that night and the girls were born the next day. I might have had to be Medivaced by helicopter if we hadn't.
3. On that note, we are VERY grateful that my mom flew in the very night before I was transfered. She was able to give Ben stability whileI was in the hopsital and Toby had to be in school. Thanks to mom for coming, and thanks to dad for being willing to have her be here with us. Thanks to all other family and friends who came to visit and show their support.
4. We are grateful for our healthy sized tax return that will pay for all the gas that we use going back and forth to IF daily.
5. The Drs. that are taking care of our girls are some of the best in the country. This hospital holds the country record for taking care of the smallest baby ever born in the US and coming through very well.
6. Even though its a huge thrial to be apart, we are grateful that peyton had her surgery. She was not doing well with the valve stilll open. Now that she's had her surgery, we can concentrate on her getting better!!
7. I'm grateful that when my girls DO come home, i will be completely healed and rested and able to take care of them the best that I can.
8. Even though I would have rather staed pregnant at least a LITTLE bit longer... lol , we are being blessed by recieving disability from SS because the girls are so small. The money can be used to buy things for the girls, but when they come home and they might need some outpatient care, that is what the money will be used for. Plus gas!!
9. I am grateful for the love and support of the greatest husband ever!! He has been by my side through all of this. He stays close to the spirit to feel the promptings related to our girls. He is a worth preisthood holder who was able to give Peyton a blessing on saturday. he works so hard at school even though he is stressed and worried about the girls and even me and Ben.
10. We are grateful for all the nurses who sit next to Addy and Peytee (as Ben calls them) 24/7 and keep them feeling and doing well. We are grateful for the amazing progress that Addison has made and that Peyton is doing well now.
There are many more things that I am grateful for, but i can't list everything at the same time because my braing gets muddled. Our girls are now 11 days old and doing very well. We still feel that they will be able to grow and develop enough to be able to come home and be our beautiful, happy, special little angels.
But most of all, we are grateful for the the promises from the Lord that he will watch over our little girls and give us the strength to see these little girls through. as i said before, my spirit knew this would happen and I do feel as if i was prepared, spiritually at least. I love my little gierls and wouldn't change anything.
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